It has come to my attention that I am now an “adult”, and as such it seems one of my responsibilities is to feed myself. This has proven to be a considerable challenge over the past few years, and so as of late I have taken it upon myself to improve my efforts and visit the “grocery store” (if you will).
I’ve performed a number of experiments in this vein, and being an intelligent young woman I have concluded that it is no longer a conducive choice to purchase bags of kale. As it turns out, I don’t really eat the kale.
However, because I theoretically value my health, it is important to me to make decisions that cater to my long term well being*. This is indeed why I got this stupid shitty bag of Cheetos®.
These particular Cheetos® suck. This bag was full of false promises. First, I was under the impression that the “puffs” aspect would provide a lighter snacking experience to again, ensure my health*. In retrospect, and after having consumed the Cheetos® first hand, I’m not so sure that this is actually the case. I was also drawn in by the word “simply”, inferring that the Cheetos® would be a fairly organic snack. Again, in hindsight, I guess they aren’t because they’re still Cheetos®. The “white cheddar” label, to me, also implied that I would be taking care of my health* by sticking to all-natural cheese flavorings. Upon opening the bag, I think they would have been more appropriately labeled “white chalk”.
Basically, they tasted like shit. The puffs part of it made it gross, the white cheddar part was also gross, and, to top it all off, after some careful analysis, I realized the health* aspect of this snack was all in the marketing and not a reflection of the actual product.
Will I be purchasing these Cheetos® again? No. Do I recommend these Cheetos® to anyone else? No. If you’re going to eat Cheetos® should you just go for the real deal, only slightly worse for you, toxic bright orange colored ones that are still shit but at least taste pretty decent when accompanied with a poisonous beverage like Diet Coke®? Yeah, probably.
*low calorie count to stay kind of skinny
It’s day seven of my attempt to write a blog post a day. So far, I’ve done it. Was I lacking inspiration this week? Sure. Were some of my posts a bit of a stretch for material? Yeah, maybe. Were others overly sappy and emotional for no reason? Hey, we all have our bad days.
I’d like to thank everyone who helped me get here today. First I’d like to thank my parents, for hopefully not using the computer very often and presumably not reading anything I do on the Internet. Remember, ignorance is bliss! I’d also like to thank many of my friends, for probably also not reading my blog. I genuinely appreciate you looking the other way when I post embarrassing / mediocre shit in an attempt to refine my skills, so your indifference means a lot to me. I couldn’t do it without you. Third, I’d like to thank the random Internet strangers and two close friends who probably did read my posts this week. I guess I couldn’t become a better me without embarrassing myself in front of you all of the time. Your appreciation and praise of my work inspires me to keep going, but is simultaneously difficult for me to internalize and accept, so, well, thanks I guess.
Most of all I’d like to thank the love of my life. The wind beneath my wings, my baby boo, Rita Roo.
Rita, your continual presence and support in my life is something I do not take for granted. You are there by my side all the time, toughing out the rough times of trying to come up with some shitty blog posts and lightening the mood by being adorable. Words can’t express how much you mean to me. We’ve been through a lot together, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather sleep the entire day away with. You never even bark. You are just too awesome. Even though sometimes I feel lost in your shadow, because you are the best dog in the entire world and it’s hard to beat that, I am still awed by your greatness – you inspire me to try and be a better human.
Now, I know you’ve been scouring the internet, Pintrest and back, looking for the perfect thing to cook in this moment since you are stoned. I am here to help you find just the recipe.
How about this:
Burritos con mole rojo y guacamole. Sounds good, right?
Go down to your kitchen. Oh, shit, you haven’t been to the market in almost a month. What’s that? Oh. Your grocery supplies have basically completely dwindled down to nothing? Well, how about calling Domino’s? Oh. That’s right. You called them three days ago and you’ve been eating nothing but Domino’s pizza since. Well, plus that box of pizza just ran out. Open your fridge, what’s in there? Milk, onions, ketchup, mustard, relish, bbq sauce, ranch dressing, A1 Sauce, salsa, sour cream, more salsa, diet coke, diet pepsi… Holy shit, well, you got sauces covered.
Uh, shit, well there’s some pasta over there. I guess we’ll make some, “Uh, Shit, I Guess I’ll Make Some Pasta” Pasta.
See, that’s not so bad. And let’s keep in mind that you are stoned, so this should be right up your ally in the end. Or you won’t notice too much, anyway. All food tastes good! 🙂
-crushed red pepper flakes
1. Boil a pot of water. You have some pasta, but no sauce, so, I don’t know, you’ll figure something out for sauce. Too bad you don’t have pesto, pesto would have been good right now.
2. Oh, hey! You have garlic and onions left over from when you were trying to be healthier and eat “stir fry” weeks ago! Go in the fridge and find the pre-diced onions. Oh. They expired a week ago? Well, whatever, they only look a little yellow and you’re going to cook them anyway.
3. Take the pan from the cupboard and put some olive oil in there. Good thing you have the basic cooking ingredients still in the kitchen. Dump the onions in the oil, they’re going to need some time to carmalize.
4. OH SHIT. You forgot to put the pasta in the boiling water and it’s already been boiling for like, five minutes. Dump pasta in.
5. Set timer for 10 minutes.
6. Go over to the garlic. Now is a good time to prep these while the onions start to cook. Looks like you have about 5 cloves left. Sure, why not, just cut those up and dump them all in there with your garlic press because it’s not a lot of garlic once you use the garlic press anyway.
7. OH SHIT. When did the onions start burning? You forgot that you had the gas on too high. Well just turn off the stove, in this case.
8. Dump garlic in pan with burnt onions.
9. Hmm… what else could go in here? You have butter. Butter tastes good. And it’s a fat, like oil, but may as well put in a different kind of fat to add flavor. I mean, oil AND butter? Who has ever complained about that?
10. Too bad you don’t have tomato sauce. Well, add some salt and pepper and red chili flakes in there for some flavor. What else has flavor. This white wine vingear you have from when you were trying to be healthy and make your own salad dressing has flavor. There are lemons in the fridge too but those have DEFINITELY been there for at least 2 months so don’t use those. That’s a little less weird than salsa. Put in the vinegar.
11. Well, if you’re going to put in vinegar then you should at least get some sugar in there because vinegar can be strong.
12. Here are some pine nuts. Okay, sure, why not. Dump.
13. Pasta is done! Well, it’s almost done but it’s only 1:30 left before the time says it’s done and who wants to wait.
14. Drain pasta.
15. Dump pasta in pan with oil butter onion concoction.
16. Stir, and turn flame back on. Add parmesan cheese liberally.
17. Turn off stove and serve.
Do not serve to others. Only eat by yourself alone in your room. The pine nuts were a mistake, so eat around them. Diet coke helps it taste better after it’s already in your mouth. Smoke up a little more just to make sure you’re sufficiently out of it enough that you can compare this to something you would find in like, Italy back in medieval times. It wasn’t very good pasta. Maybe it would have tasted better if you had just dumped it in BBQ sauce like how you dip popcorn in BBQ sauce when you’re stoned. Oh well. Too late now.
Subway – 6″ Wheat Sandwich (Turkey, Avocado, Lettuce, Tomato, Red Wine Vinagrette) with baked sour cream and onion potato chips
Don Cuco’s – Salad with Italian Dressing, Ranchero BURRITO (beans, rice, chicken) with guacamole, sour cream, rice, and beans.
Late Night Snack
Carl’s Jr. – CHICKEN STRIPS, French Fries
Taco Spot – BURRITO (Steak, Guacamole, Rice, Beans, Cheese)
Tony Roma’s – Salad (tomatos, cheese, red wine vinagrette), CHICKEN STRIPS
Del Taco – CHICKEN STRIP BURRITO, French Fries
Coffee Bean – Strawberry Cream Green Iced Tea and Chocolate Chip Twist
Olive Garden – Salad, Appetizer (Fried Mozzarella, Fried Ravioli, and CHICKEN STRIPS)
Some bar – Almost ordered CHICKEN STRIPS, but noticing a trend, instead ordered POTATO SKINS