Valentine’s Day, pt. 2

When we last left our story, Jessica Cabot didn’t give a fuck. It was Valentine’s Day 2012 and Jessica, single and totally cool with it due to valuable life lessons she had learned, wrote this now vaguely infamous blog post about it.

The blog post became vaguely infamous insofar as Jessica’s publicizing of her emotional wounds ended up becoming a web-series. Jessica originally posted it expecting no one would read it, as she was reasonable in assuming. However, Jessica’s emotional wounds seemed to strike a chord, and more people than she expected read her blog post. This kind of freaked Jessica out a little because, again, she thought she was vomiting her vulnerability into a void.

One of the people who read the blog post was a hot shot Hollywood producer Jessica had worked with. He met up with her at a bar to encourage her to ride “The Lena Dunham Wave”. Jessica, at this point, was a little embarrassed to be compared to Lena Dunham, and also felt that writing about her dating life was the very last thing she wanted to do because she feared being “type cast” as another white bitch looking for love. “Like honestly, who cares?” is what Jessica thought.

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It turned out people did care. And somehow writing about her failed love life came naturally to Jessica. So Jessica followed through on this path in the hopes of becoming well-renowned and successful. Her blog evolved into a web-series called “Shitty Boyfriends” that is featured on Refinery 29, starring Sandra Oh and executive produced by Lisa Kudrow, no big deal.

The creating of the web-series was a journey in and of itself, one that Jessica probably shouldn’t get too deep into because she would like to work in Hollywood again at some point and so for the record Jessica only has super positive things to say about the experience…

Well, as an omniscient narrator who’s views do not reflect those of Refinery 29 Et al., I will admit there were various times in the process that Jessica wondered if maybe she was somewhat exploiting herself. Everything she was writing was based on herself (at least originally). And even though her original blog post had ended quite definitively, “Jessica Cabot doesn’t give a fuck,” Jessica felt that maybe deep down inside she still did kind of give a fuck, not to mention Jessica realized maybe she didn’t have love as figured out as she would like to believe she did. She often felt exposed in ways that were uncomfortable – indeed, a regular Lena Dunham-type getting (metaphorically) naked in front of a bunch of people who were going to judge her for it.

So let’s catch up with Jessica and see how Valentine’s Day went for her since that fateful 2012 Valentine’s Day that shook up Jessica’s life. Why not?

February 14, 2013

Jessica’s “not giving a fuck” attitude has paid off in spades. She has a super hot date. He’s really, really hot. Also very talented. This is key. The lesson she learned in previous years was “don’t be with just anyone just because you don’t want to be alone.” Well this isn’t just anyone.

Not only is he super hot and extremely talented, but he is also on TV. Jessica really gave a shit about the fact that this guy was hot, talented, and a successful persona in TV. Jessica’s dream had always been to be a late night talk show host, and so the prospect of him made her feel like she was close to two dreams at once – her desire to be a part of a hot, talented power couple and also to infiltrate the world of late night television.

This hot, talented guy invites Jessica to come see his show. He tells her she can invite her friend, and so Jessica does. Jessica wears high heels to the show. Jessica rarely wears high heels because deep down she always feels like the chubby, nerdy 13 year old girl she once was who was obsessed with Lord of the Rings and saw Fellowship 11 times in theaters, aka a person who decidedly does not wear heels. However, for this night Jessica loves playing the role of “hot bitch with high heels who has a VIP pass to park on the lot of this television studio and has green room access.”

At this point in her life, all of this shit really matters to her, because it makes her feel important. Jessica loves feeling important. Jessica and her friend do shots in the green room, because they are in their 20s and that’s what people who are in their 20s and are super cool do, it seems.

The show is interesting, but mostly Jessica loves watching her super hot talented guy do his thing while thinking to herself, “I know him! I have a date with him!”

After the show Jessica, the hot talented guy, and her friend go to a restaurant nearby. Jessica’s friend invites her own “guy she’s dating” and the four of them have a very grown-up, important, high heeled Valentine’s Day double date. Jessica performs a card trick for her hot date because she is learning magic at the Magic Castle at this point in her life and so she’s pretty sure she impressed him. This is important, because Jessica hopes that she is impressive and attractive enough to live this kind of life forever.

Jessica returns home, jubilant beyond belief. She dances in her room to “Dancing in the Moonlight”. She is quite literally over the moon. This was the best Valentine’s Day Ever. And to be honest, maybe it still is.

But Jessica learns something about herself in subsequent years, which is mostly that when she dances jubilantly in her room at night she is quite likely to wake up in the morning with a hangover. And her hangover might reveal very uncomfortable but key details about reality, as hangovers often do. Like the eventual reality that Jessica and this hot guy do not have much in common, at least where it pertains to things that actually matter at the end of the day. She will come to learn in the future that he is the kind of guy that “hates the new Ghostbusters, but not because he’s a misogynist.” Jessica will also come to learn more about herself, like that she has very little tolerance for men who did not like the new Ghostbusters but feel the need to shit on it a lot and then claim to not be a misogynist. If you’re not a misogynist and didn’t like a movie that is steeped in sexist criticism, maybe don’t say anything at all? Jessica will realize that her feminism is somewhat unforgiving in this regard, and that no matter how hot and talented a guy is it won’t feel very satisfying in the long run if she doesn’t feel herself acknowledged for her own hotness and talent.

February 14, 2014

Jessica is dating a guy again, but this time he’s a super nice guy who she met through mutual friends. Jessica did not initially expect this relationship to become anything, partly because she didn’t think she and this guy had very much in common. He is very nice though. Jessica wants to “give it a shot”. She doesn’t feel like she’s being with someone “just for the sake of being with someone” but she also does have a deep down sneaking suspicion that something is “missing”. She doesn’t know exactly what it is that’s missing but she would prefer to ignore this feeling in preference of having something “good” “work out” for once.

Jessica, the guy she’s dating, and one of their mutual friends go to a night club together. “Night clubs” aren’t really Jessica’s thing, but she dances like an insane person. She does seem to have a penchant for dancing like a fucking weirdo at clubs to mock how seriously everyone seems to take themselves in such venues. Jessica is having her version of fun.

Jessica’s fun continues when she sees an old co-worker. Jessica knows for a fact that this old co-worker hates her. Jessica doesn’t exactly return the favor of hating her old co-worker, she mostly finds the whole situation to be somewhat humorous. You see, Jessica and this old co-worker got in a big fight at their former job. Jessica felt that her old co-worker had been needlessly oppressive in her management position, and so Jessica did something sassy and probably rude to her co-worker… something in the vein of deliberately dancing like a freak to mock the people around her in a night club. Jessica’s co-worker did not take too kindly to Jessica mocking of her management skills, as is understandable. So Jessica’s co-worker called Jessica into her office, where she and Jessica got into a heated argument about their disagreement. Jessica expressed the fact that she felt her co-worker was taking herself and their job too seriously and making it needlessly miserable, and Jessica’s co-worker expressed her frustration that Jessica did not take the job seriously enough. The conversation ended with Jessica’s co-worker telling Jessica, “Just for the record, never ever, start a fight with someone at work.” Jessica found this advice somewhat ironic because she was pretty sure it was her co-worker who kind of started the fight in the first place, but whatever.

So here they are together again, years later, in a night club on Valentine’s Day. Ever the instigator, Jessica walks right up to her co-worker and acts pleasantly happy to see her. This is kind of a bitchy thing of Jessica to do, to be honest, because Jessica knows her co-worker is not happy to see her. The two exchange mild pleasantries, but it is still clear that Jessica’s co-worker is forever displeased with Jessica and that she was not especially happy to see her.

After leaving the night club, Jessica thinks about how there are just some people in this world who are going to hate her, like that co-worker. It wasn’t exactly Jessica’s fault, per se, that their personalities clashed. Maybe Jessica could have done some things a little differently to be more respectful of their differences.

Deep down Jessica wonders if this wasn’t exactly a coincidence that she saw someone who hates her on this night. She suspects that perhaps her own Valentine’s Day date could one day become one of these people too, a person who just kind of hates her. It’s feeling very (500) Days of Summer-y to Jessica. How did she become the villain manic pixie dream girl of someone else’s life? It’s not that she is actively trying to be this person, but her efforts at finding happiness and contentment in her romantic life with someone who should be the right person are failing… She is also coming to realize that she’s not always the victim.

Literally a week later Jessica meets the boy who will become her boyfriend for the next two years.

February 14, 2015

Jessica Cabot has a boyfriend! For real this time. Like a boyfriend who is hot, talented, but who also gets her. They go to a dog beach in Malibu with Jessica’s dog, Rita.

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It is the first time Jessica’s dog has been to the beach. Jessica is very aware in this moment of how fleeting life is. Sunsets kind of do that for her.

February 14, 2016

Jessica and the same boyfriend are at it again, and this time Jessica has planned the most perfect Valentine’s Day in the world for the two of them. Cinespia (cool LA organization that plays cool movies) is playing Moulin Rouge! at a fancy theater in Downtown LA and to top it all off they are serving Bay Cities Deli sandwiches, imported all the way from the other side of town in Santa Monica.

Moulin Rouge! is pretty much Jessica’s favorite movie of all time. To her it represents the epitome of what love is. Ewan McGregor singing “Your Song” is about as close to “true love” as Jessica has ever really experienced.

Jessica can’t wait for this extremely perfect Valentine’s Day, but she and her boyfriend arrive somewhat late to the theater for extremely valid reasons – they were both working that day. Jessica does not eat dinner and purposefully shows up famished, ready to eat a Godmother sandwich from Bay Cities Deli.

They arrive late only to find that beers cost an unruly $15 and that the theater has run out of sandwiches.

Jessica panics. Her perfect Valentine’s Day is already imperfect. No SANDWICHES!? Sure, Jessica and her boyfriend could go eat a shitty slice of pizza at the place next door, but Jessica intuitively knows neither of them will be happy about this. It’ll probably just ruin the movie completely.

Jessica is already unhappy. She laments how much money they spent on these tickets when neither of them really feel that financially comfortable at this moment in time. Jessica also suspects her boyfriend is pissed about the $15 beer, and as a people pleaser she can’t live with this. Jessica’s boyfriend leaves the decision up to Jessica since he knows that this day is more about her whims than his.

Jessica feels trapped. She is going to regret not seeing the movie. Though she has seen Moulin Rouge! millions of times she has never before seen it in a theater with other people, let alone with a boyfriend. But she is also going to regret staying, feeling too hangry to properly enjoy the moment and too concerned about other people’s feelings to not feel guilty for staying. Jessica announces that they should go and later sends Cinespia a letter asking for a refund while comparing herself to Liz Lemon in her love of sandwiches. She does get a refund.

Jessica and her boyfriend instead have a quiet evening in comfortable pajamas, eating dinner at a nearby Mexican restaurant they both like. Jessica wonders if this is what love is really about anyway, not necessarily always getting exactly what you want but compromising and enjoying the pleasure of the other person’s company in simple moments.

A part of her will always kind of wish she had gotten to see the movie in theaters though.

February 14, 2017

Jessica and her two-year boyfriend have since parted ways. Jessica is back to the same place she was when we last left our story off, single on Valentine’s Day. The relationship didn’t work out for various reasons, as most don’t. Jessica hopes that she has at least learned enough since her “Shitty Boyfriends” days to protect the intimacy of that relationship by not sharing very much. She hopes that she has learned to not exploit herself (and others) by revealing vulnerabilities that are maybe part of the story just for Jessica to privately know.

Jessica tries to avoid this particular Valentine’s Day by pretending it doesn’t matter, that once again she “doesn’t give a fuck.”

But Jessica really does give a fuck. Jessica still wants love, something as fabulous as Ewan McGregor and deli meat sandwiches.

Jessica knows that it is an arbitrary day in some respects. We can express love to one another 364 other days too, it doesn’t have to just be this one. But for better or worse Jessica can’t help but admit to herself that of all the holidays this one is particularly emotionally charged for her, if only because it seems to be a significant marker in where she is at in her own psychological journey towards love and self-love.

Self-love seems to be a particularly big theme this year for Jessica. So she does the most romantic thing she can think of for herself, which is go to a library to write an emotional blog post about her failed love life and the lessons she’s learned.

Jessica isn’t sure what the lesson is this year, exactly. Maybe the lesson is just that she doesn’t have to pretend that she doesn’t care, or to pretend that she does have it all figured out.

Jessica Cabot gives a fuck.

 

 

A Review of the Audience I Saw “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” With

Due to varying changing life circumstances – my original plans to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” had fallen through. I was originally supposed to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” with fellow fans, in 3D, on “pre-opening night” (12/17), at the Arclight in Hollywood, which is like, the place to go see movies, I’m told.

These fallen through plans had left me depressed. Tickets were probably already sold out, at this point, and it seemed I’d have to wait like one of those losers who say they’ll go see it when “the crowds die down”. I won’t call those people complete morons, but I also won’t not call them that. Yeah, yeah, I get you. It’s just a major pop-cultural event that doesn’t come around very often (like every ~20 years?!) that brings people together and creates a unique energy of anticipation and shared experience with fellow humans and it doesn’t even seem like we’re going to be disappointed this time, so, sure, you’re going to WAIT FOR THE CROWDS TO DIE DOWN?!

Well, maybe I’m the complete moron, because it seems I would have been just as well off waiting for the crowds to die down. Which is depressing as fuck.

At the last minute I was surprised when a good friend invited me to come along to the Arclight on 12/17 to see Star Wars. Granted it wasn’t going to be in 3D like my original plans, but I don’t really give too much of a shit about 3D to be honest. That’s fine. At least I’d be with the crowds of true fans, the people who make such an experience as a rare Star Wars trilogy opening extra magical because they know when to clap and laugh and applaud at the right times so that the movie comes to life. I mean when I was 9 my uncle dressed up as Han Solo and we waited in line for at least four hours at the Grumman’s Chinese theater for the Phantom Menace, and everyone made a big deal over that shitty movie AS IT SHOULD BE. And again, we all knew this movie wasn’t even going to be bad this time.

I give the audience I saw “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” with one star. Light smatterings of applause upon the opening credits. No “whoops”, “hollers”, or “general cheers”. Important, devastating moments happened in the film, AND NO ONE REACTED AT ALL EXCEPT FOR ME. The entire movie going experience felt like an echo – in which the only noise other than the movie were my own claps and laughs being reverberated back to me in what was otherwise a vacuous silence. Important characters returned – ie. Han Solo, and the audience acted like they couldn’t give two shits. It’s fucking Han Solo it’s not like it’s his character in the Age of Adaline. Have some GODDAMN RESPECT AND CHEER. Also, several times I laughed out loud – loudly – and immediately realized I was the only one. I wasn’t even laughing at inappropriate moments like I sometimes normally do. This time it was just goddamn funny. Fucking laugh, assholes.

To this audience – DO YOU NOT HAVE SOULS!? Why did you even bother getting tickets for “pre-opening night”!? So you could sit judgmentally in your cool Hollywood seats and find criticism in everything and refuse to just let yourself enjoy a goddamn good traditional American blockbuster film?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do you even like Star Wars? What are you doing here? Why did you insist on ruining the experience by not participating in the experience? Were you just a bunch of people who were going to wait for the “crowds to die down” who at the last second decided “what the hell” and bought tickets? For what? To personally spite me? That must be it, because you kind of blew it for me. I can’t imagine I’m going to have another chance like that. I mean I do plan on seeing the movie again – certainly – but by then it’s like, I’ve already lost my “The Force Awakens” virginity. I can’t get that back. Man, fuck you.

Actually, forget the one star. No stars!!

 

An Open Letter to Pitbull and Ne-Yo

Dear Pitbull and Ne-Yo,

I’ve listened to your newest song, “Time of Our Lives” numerous times and as such feel compelled to address some of your concerns.

First, I completely relate to the troubles that you describe. I too, have worked my ass off and yet still fall short of rent each month. It is a difficult economy, and especially for those of us, like yourselves, pursuing a creative field, it is common to work very hard but to fail to receive financial gains for our efforts. It’s a shame that we live in a world that doesn’t necessarily value monetary compensation for our art. In this sense I find your strife highly relatable.

However, I am concerned by the manner in which you’ve been dealing with your (again, understandable) stress. You have just enough to get up in this club? Are you sure this is the best manner in which to spend the limited income you have? I personally, am not. While I fully endorse living a well-rounded life that includes time for extracurricular activities, I am not sure that “the club” is the best use of your time and money, especially since – again – you are falling short on your rent.

To start, while I again agree in the notion of “having the time of our lives” have you considered that there are numerous free activities that are not only highly enjoyable but also spiritually and physically rejuvenating? Examples that come to the top of my head are, the beach, hiking, volunteering at a local animal shelter, etc. This is a great way to get out in the world and even give back to the community.

I also feel, that if you do have a little extra cash which you are currently spending on “the club”, that perhaps you would be wise and better off to financially invest in your own future. You seem interested in a music career, from what I can tell. You are obviously talented, so perhaps you would be better off to use your “last $20” on producing music tracks which you could upload to SoundCloud? This way you’ll have material to show people who might be interested in developing your career further, at which point you will hopefully then have enough money to “get up in da club” AND pay your rent!

I am also a little unnerved by what I might consider to be a bit of an alcohol problem. While I am certainly no prude or square myself, I have seen how drugs and alcohol can distract, interfere, and otherwise destroy the lives of young creative artists who otherwise would have a very bright future indeed. I think you’ll find that, while difficult, it is possible to overcome these addiction demons, and that the efforts are well worth the promise of your future. It might be a simple matter of drinking less, in which case you’d both save money to pay for your rent and open up some creative space in your head to really go for your true dreams. This club business honestly seems like it is a cause of the problems you are having – in which you can’t pay your rent and are struggling to make ends meet. Life doesn’t have to be such a struggle if you just channel your energy and efforts into more productive means.

Last, I am also a little concerned about your attitudes towards women. Certainly, it is no business of mine whether you are seeking a long term relationship or not. That is a personal journey and something you are of course entitled to decide for yourself. However, I am not sure that you need “da club” to meet women, and you might find a free app like Tinder helpful in connecting you with like-minded women who are not interested in pursuing love, as you say, but instead “lust”. Additionally, if a woman has just broken up with her boyfriend, I might suggest you be a little more cautious and considerate of her feelings. She is probably in a vulnerable and emotional state and so when you describe yourself as “like Rodman, ready on deck” I can’t help but express apprehension that you might be taking advantage of a troubled and lost soul. She probably needs support and compassion in this time, and so I just want to make sure you are being delicate in the manner in which you are proceeding with the situation. Of course two consenting adults have every right to “ride out”, but please consider the emotional consequences.

Otherwise, a very catchy song and you obviously show promise. I just hope this letter reaches you in time to hopefully make a positive impact and direct you towards achieving your full potential. I truly believe that one day you might be able to pay rent AND get up in da club occasionally, but all of this again probably requires balance and a reevaluation of your priorities.

Wishing you all the best,

Jessica

#12 – A Review Of These Shitty Cheetos®

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It has come to my attention that I am now an “adult”, and as such it seems one of my responsibilities is to feed myself. This has proven to be a considerable challenge over the past few years, and so as of late I have taken it upon myself to improve my efforts and visit the “grocery store” (if you will). 

I’ve performed a number of experiments in this vein, and being an intelligent young woman I have concluded that it is no longer a conducive choice to purchase bags of kale. As it turns out, I don’t really eat the kale. 

However, because I theoretically value my health, it is important to me to make decisions that cater to my long term well being*. This is indeed why I got this stupid shitty bag of Cheetos®. 

These particular Cheetos® suck. This bag was full of false promises. First, I was under the impression that the “puffs” aspect would provide a lighter snacking experience to again, ensure my health*. In retrospect, and after having consumed the Cheetos® first hand, I’m not so sure that this is actually the case. I was also drawn in by the word “simply”, inferring that the Cheetos® would be a fairly organic snack. Again, in hindsight, I guess they aren’t because they’re still Cheetos®. The “white cheddar” label, to me, also implied that I would be taking care of my health* by sticking to all-natural cheese flavorings. Upon opening the bag, I think they would have been more appropriately labeled “white chalk”. 

Basically, they tasted like shit. The puffs part of it made it gross, the white cheddar part was also gross, and, to top it all off, after some careful analysis, I realized the health* aspect of this snack was all in the marketing and not a reflection of the actual product. 

Will I be purchasing these Cheetos® again? No. Do I recommend these Cheetos® to anyone else? No. If you’re going to eat Cheetos® should you just go for the real deal, only slightly worse for you, toxic bright orange colored ones that are still shit but at least taste pretty decent when accompanied with a poisonous beverage like Diet Coke®? Yeah, probably. 

*low calorie count to stay kind of skinny

#7 – A Blost Pog a Day

It’s day seven of my attempt to write a blog post a day. So far, I’ve done it. Was I lacking inspiration this week? Sure. Were some of my posts a bit of a stretch for material? Yeah, maybe. Were others overly sappy and emotional for no reason? Hey, we all have our bad days.

I’d like to thank everyone who helped me get here today. First I’d like to thank my parents, for hopefully not using the computer very often and presumably not reading anything I do on the Internet. Remember, ignorance is bliss! I’d also like to thank many of my friends, for probably also not reading my blog. I genuinely appreciate you looking the other way when I post embarrassing / mediocre shit in an attempt to refine my skills, so your indifference means a lot to me. I couldn’t do it without you. Third, I’d like to thank the random Internet strangers and two close friends who probably did read my posts this week. I guess I couldn’t become a better me without embarrassing myself in front of you all of the time. Your appreciation and praise of my work inspires me to keep going, but is simultaneously difficult for me to internalize and accept, so, well, thanks I guess.

Most of all I’d like to thank the love of my life. The wind beneath my wings, my baby boo, Rita Roo.

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Rita, your continual presence and support in my life is something I do not take for granted. You are there by my side all the time, toughing out the rough times of trying to come up with some shitty blog posts and lightening the mood by being adorable. Words can’t express how much you mean to me. We’ve been through a lot together, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather sleep the entire day away with. You never even bark. You are just too awesome. Even though sometimes I feel lost in your shadow, because you are the best dog in the entire world and it’s hard to beat that, I am still awed by your greatness – you inspire me to try and be a better human.

Thank you.

#6 – A Review of the New TMNT Movie Based On Having Not Seen It But I Mean Come On This Is A Pile of Shit

This is a review of the new TMNT Movie based on my not having seen it personally but, I mean, realistically, I don’t need to see more than this to know that this movie is a big ol’ steaming pile of crapola. In fact, I’m probably insulting your intelligence right now by even bothering to explain the situation. You have eyes. We can all see this abomination for what it is. 

I am pretty sure there are dementors rampant in Hollywood, as is evidenced from the fact that the public is literally having their souls SUCKED FROM THEIR BODIES with garbage like this. 

“Hey,” a bunch of jackasses wearing business casual and pretentious sunglasses at an overpriced shitty bar like Pink Taco in Century City said to themselves. “We have a great idea. Remember the beloved classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? What a great franchise. How about instead of carrying on and honoring TMNT by following in its footsteps and creating a new, original, inspiring set of animal-like action heros based on a wacky and goofy premise, we’ll just rip off and ruin it by completely eliminating any charm or heart it used to have, giving the script to a fucking monkey to write, throwing lots of money at it for no reason, and slapping the worst possible CGI renditions on top of the package just to give the finished product the feeling that you’re really just subliminally watching us jerk off to how much money we’ll make off this bastardization.” 

The worst part is in this one trailer, not sure if it’s the one I linked to (who cares), but anyway, Michelangelo DROPS SOMETHING and says, I shit you not, “Uh, I MEANT TO DO THAT.”

“I MEANT TO DO THAT!?!” A five year old could write better, more compelling, interesting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction than whoever barfed up this mess to waste our time with. I am serious. A small child who has no life experience would be infinitely more inspiring than Michael Bay. He should have to go to jail for this, it definitely qualifies as murder.

#4 – Poor and Procrastinating

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Right now I am poor and procrastinating, and as is my tendency I am actively ignoring the pressing realities of life in favor of pretending that real world concerns don’t exist. Unfortunately, they do. Some of these practicalities include: not going into debt, getting a “real” job?, etc.

I’ve also been living and breathing this one project that is very important to me for the past six months, to the extent that it’s been hard to see the forest from the trees.

I don’t think I even know how to be a normal, real, functioning, contributing member of society anymore. Plus, as I said, I’m really poor, probably because I spend a lot of money but also do not make any. So it’s really just a matter of time before I become completely homeless.

Weirdly, I’m not too worried about it. Being homeless is going to be stressful, sure. I’m going to have to make some compromises. But first of all, let’s be realistic. I’m not gonna be homeless, homeless. I’m a girl. Girls don’t get like, sleeping-on-the-sidewalk homeless usually. We’re kind of like a high class of homeless… Like living-out-of-a-car homeless.

Plus, after I have to sell all my belongings and trade in my prius I’d probably be able to get like, a nice mini van or something, so I’d still have some space to lie down, etc.

The other good news, I’ve realized, is that part of the reason I am about to go completely bankrupt is because I spent a good chunk of money on a DELUXE DISNEYLAND PASS which, let me tell you, I do not need at all and conceivably might never get a chance to use again.

The other reason I’m going to be eating literal garbage in a few weeks is because I spend, mmm, ALL OF THE REST OF MY MONEY on books. I buy a lot of books. So many books that I probably don’t actually need because I have so many books I can’t get to them all quickly enough.

But, I remember one time this homeless guy asked me for a cup of coffee. I went to go buy him one and when I got back someone else had already gotten him one. I guess the point is, I feel like people are generous if you are desperate and charming. That guy had two more cups of coffee than I do, FOR FREE.

So I guess when I started thinking about it, I felt okay about everything. Sure, I could potentially blow an amazing opportunity by never coming up with anything good enough and also never address the aforementioned “real world realities” (“money to pay for things”) and end up completely destitute…

But in that scenario I’d still be living at Disneyland and having enough time at night to read all these books I’ve been wanting to get to, drinking coffee, and that sounds even better, to be honest.