This is not directed at any particular person at all. Instead, it seems appropriate to target everyone (including myself).
I don’t really get it, or at least, I don’t understand how we can be as self-aware as we are as a species and still act like douchebags and retards on a consistent basis.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. – Douglas Adams
Whenever someone treats me poorly and makes snide, rude comments at my expense in front of my face as though I am too stupid to understand that they are insulting me, my rational response is never to absorb what they say and take it personally (emotionally this might be a different story). Instead, I always wonder what the fuck about them has made them so insecure as to project their own self-hatred onto me. And I don’t say this to be arrogant, but only because I can recognize it in myself. The main reason I dislike Ellen Page, as I have mentioned before, is because I feel like she is successfully playing the archetype girl that I thought I thought of first while I sort of sit around not being in movies as a precocious teen. It’s jealousy, primarily.
Jealousy and bitterness are not flattering traits, however, and so it is usually best to ignore them or suffocate them as best as possible. It’s a lesson I hope I’ve learned sufficiently. I am sure I have my moments of weakness in which maybe I am not on my best behavior. I’ll allow a little room for error in anyone. Sometimes we just can’t help it. Especially if drunk.
Lately though, I’ve been seeing it a lot. I’ve noticed a lot of people treating other people like shit. It’s gotten to the point where I can “feel” the negative energy in the room. Not to say that psychic aura bullshit is true, but just that if there is so much insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, and competitive survival-of-the-fittest attitude surrounding me that it begins to affect my actions too. It’s difficult to maintain a positive, optimistic attitude in the face of people who want to eat you for breakfast. You wouldn’t do that around sharks, for sure. And people are sharks, as George Clooney astutely observed in a trailer for a movie that looks good.
It doesn’t confuse me so much why we act this way as humans. I understand that we all want to be “the best” because that ensures survival and the respect of our peers. I understand that those who pose a threat to us are difficult to befriend because technically they are our nemesis. Human nature itself is flawed and easy to understand, because it’s who we all are on some varying degree.
What baffles me the most is how we can recognize our flaws and refuse or fail to correct them on any level. There seems to be a refusal to accept what we know about how we function in our interactions and to change those habits that create destructive patterns. I mean, part of the reason I try to treat people with respect is for entirely selfish reasons. Though I am most definitely a work in progress, I would rather seem confident and self-assured to people than insecure and bitter. Confidence will get their respect. Treating people cruelly and condescendingly will only serve to have them hate me, and in the end it is better to have your enemies as allies than … enemies.
Overall I’ve simplified the complexities of human emotions and interactions. There’s a lot more that goes into a person’s actions and beliefs than their biological instincts. But there is a pattern that I’ve seen in people, and I am really just insanely confused as to why so many of us continue to struggle and try and bring others down in the attempt at success. Why do we fight each other still? Why do we hate as readily as we do? Why do we judge? Why do we create our own misery, essentially? And then, for those who can see it, why don’t we stop?
I will dare to ask the sort of hard hitting questions that are the stuff of controversial debates fueled by best-selling books (hint). I am brave enough to present one liners that will inspire even more hard hitting questions. But this is a good thing, because these controversial ideas often become national dialogues encapsulated in critically acclaimed manuscripts (hint).
Without further ado…
Hard Hitting Questions
It’s not a good idea to have a beer at work, is it?
Witty comebacks — making a comeback?
Radical new trend?: Loving your body the way it is (even with fat!)
Is it really enough to make a difference in just one person’s life?
I’m going to start an isolated community composed exclusively of people who think and act exactly the way I do. How can it go wrong?
Did the person who invented peace signs win the Nobel peace prize? If not, why not?
If your grandparents are racist, what does this make you?
Sometimes watching television is more enjoyable than hanging out with douchebags (people in general). What makes passive viewing of human interactions so much more pleasurable than active participation? Shouldn’t they be equally depressing?
Isn’t it sad that there’s all this coverage about the moon being bombed and nothing about Jennifer Aniston’s rumored pregnancy? What’s wrong with media these days?
Does heaven exist? If so, is it a giant party? What kind of party? A Balderdash party with small snacks from Trader Joe’s? A frat/sorority mixer with beer bong and pot? Possible argument for “yes”: life is really like one long hazing process, if you think about it.
Provoking One Liners
I should start writing stuff down.
It’s probably not a good idea to google playboy at work, even if it is culturally relevant.
I just got laid off and my marriage is a sham. But at least I have big boobs!
Please, do me a favor, and cherish this moment where you are young and better than everyone else.
It’s the small things in life that we live for — like little boys wearing Incredible Hulk suits at the post office.
Anywhere is a great place to hit on girls. Try your local gas station for starters!
Fact: Standardized tests are important indicators of intelligence and self-worth. Fact: Bears do better in standardized testing than infants.*
Things are always better with alliteration and/or rhymes. Burritos and mojitos. Carnitas and coronas. Chilaquiles and Tequila. (These are all actual alliterations and/or rhymes. If you think otherwise then you just don’t know any better.)
Being inferior to other people is a felony in some states.
If you are a person with no talents, limited skills, and a mediocre personality then DREAM BIG! Most beloved celebrities are just like you!
*Statistics based on BIAT (Bear vs. Infant Aptitude Test) results**
**Results based on stuff I made up
Today I thought that it has been a significant amount of time since I have written anything significant. And by significant I mean satirical. And by satirical I mean retarded.
SO then, one thing lead to another, and I decided I would write about how the 90s were probably the worst decade ever. Everyone in the 90s was ugly (except me, I was really cute because I called my grandma, Cathy, “Taty” instead of “Grandma”). Also, on top of everyone being ugly, everyone had horrible fashion sense.
However, in doing my research on the horrible fashion of the 90s, I came across this site:
And then I realized that someone had essentially already written the exact same article I intended to (except with a positive spin). So then I thought, oh, fuck it.
So instead here are ten random thoughts that occurred to me today that have nothing to do with anything at all and will therefore never actually get me a book deal:
1. How much longer can I keep eating Subway sandwiches on a regular basis before getting sick of them and/or turning into a Subway sandwich?
2. Why do I have a cold… in my ears? Why is this even possible?
3. When will virtual reality movies/video games/internet come into existence? Will this revolutionize our society as we know it? Will this create a Matrix-esque situation, causing us to eventually become lost and destroyed within our own creation?
4. Is time travel possible, especially considering we have not encountered any time travelers in our own society? If the answer is yes, then which is the more likely explanation: time travelers carry a memory loss device ala Men in Black to prevent us from knowing of their existence OR time travelers are unable to be perceived by the environment they visit, and can only travel in time as a sort of spectating ghost?
5. Are run on sentences always a bad idea or are they sometimes kind of necessary to get the point across because there are sort of too many words to really properly get across the point you want to without having to pause awkwardly to then start a new sentence in a weird place like for example what if you ended a sentence and wanted to start the next one with “And” but then it’s improper to start a sentence with “And” so really are the rules of grammar just kind of arbitrary, when you think about it?
6. If someone wanted to turn the story of my life into a movie, would Mary Kate Olsen be hired to play the part of me, and demanded to gain twenty pounds for the role? Would she win an Oscar? Would this movie be criticized by Roger Ebert as being nothing more than soft-core lesbian porn?
7. If things had happened differently, would this other thing now be different, or the same?
8. This seems to be true: TV shows that start out strongly, end up being not very good later on (Entourage, Californication, etc.) and shows that start out sort of weakly end up being wonderful (Mad Men, Arrested Development, etc.) Is this a coincidence, or is there something crucial to this seeming fact? If you were to create a TV show — would you intentionally create a mediocre pilot to ensure long term success?
9. Little kids have imaginations. Where do those go, and at what age are they lost?
10. How did cooking begin? Like at what point did someone say, “this raw animal muscle would be more sanitary and have an improved flavor if I stuck it in this fire?” When did seasoning come along?
Love at first sight is pretty ridiculous. It’s definitely the stuff of Shakespeare — poetic but impossible to understand. It’s a nice idea but not feasible. Who falls in love at first sight any more? Maybe these people.
But overall it seems romanticized. And sure, we’ve maybe all seen someone attractive and thought, “I want to marry them.” But we don’t really want to marry them. Or at least, we usually recognize it as a casual and brief attraction.
Love is a complicated term to even define, but let’s assume we’re all on the same page with the word. Let’s say most of us recognize that you at least have to have a conversation with a person before love is possible. And more often than not, months or years have to pass before you can really be sure that it’s love. Thus, most of us agree that love at first sight is not even plausible. Lust at first sight, sure, but not love.
After doing some research via a facebook status I made that asked, “Jessica Cabot wants to know if you know of a movie/book/whatever where a dude is in love with a girl he doesn’t know from afar, and then somehow learns some small fact about her like her name, and then gets all excited about it when he does???” and then confirming these facts on Wikipedia, I learned that several people have already made some stories about the subject.
Big Fish, Les Miserables, Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, and probably other stuff to name a few. So, culturally, it’s a significant idea. We all, I guess, like the idea of falling in love at first sight. But based on these examples, there are a few rules about the whole process.
- Only dudes can fall in love at first sight
- The love is always initially unrequited, until after persistence and determination, the guy gets his way and the girl gives up.
- There is some sense of a happily ever after ending — until they all die.
- The girl (usually) has a fairly lukewarm personality, but this is irrelevant in the scheme of “true love”, plus, the guy’s endearing personality makes up for her lack of one.
Maybe I made up some of these facts. But I really only bring up this topic because it applies to me, and in the end, everything I talk about has to do with me in some way.
I have recently fallen in love at first sight with a barista at Starbucks. I still don’t know his name, but recently after eavsdropping I learned that he is 24, which I think is a super cute age, especially since I usually, somehow, always end up with really old dudes.
I am, like, 75% certain I am in love with him. Have we had a conversation? No, not really, except one time he asked me if I wanted a different kind of muffin. Also, presumably, he knows my name is Jessica. I am pretty sure this is love though, because I always feel compelled to go to that Starbucks, and yet I always get nervous before I do. Plus, he resembles Topher Grace.
I have mentioned my love for a man I have only seen a few times, only a few times. I mentioned it to some friends, who told me I was overthinking things. And then I accidentally mentioned it in an improv class because the suggestion was “enigma” and it reminded me of how the love of my life currently alludes me, even though he is reliably at the same starbucks what seems like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
But again, I am pretty sure this is love and not lust. Lust is what I feel for someone like Bradley Cooper. He’s hot, but seemingly too smarmy and charming for me to really love him. This is distinctly different. I love Starbucks guy because, unlike most people, when I talk to him he says, “have a nice day!” And that’s sort of all I really wanted from another human being, was positive well-wishing. Plus, one time there was a little kid in the store and the little kid was getting in the way of him sweeping. And he said, “hey we’re going to have to hire you!” to the little kid. And then I melted.
So far, everything I have written makes me seem creepy (or pathetic). If instead of me being a 21-year-old weird girl in love with a random 24-year-old guy, I were a 50 year-old-man describing his affections for the 18-year-old girl who works at the Starbucks near his house, then it would be, no question, 100%, really creepy. Luckily I have my gender on my side, and so my infatuation is cute at best, and, again, pathetic at worst. (Also, to clarify, since the beginning of July, I have only been four or five times to this particular Starbucks. It’s been two months of loving him, but only, really, about one trip a week, if that. Some people go to Starbucks everyday, so I’m really not being… that weird. I think.)
This raises an interesting point though, I think. Back in the day, when Romeo loved Juliet, it was just… normal. Of course he loves her! Of course he’s asking random people to figure out who she is for him. That’s just how it goes! Lucky for Romeo, he existed back in the day. Back before internet serial murderers and excessive rape. If he said it was love, of course it was love.
In our current, era, however, even legitimate “we’ve-been-dating-for-two-years” love isn’t always LOVE. People break up, or people have problems, or we find out that the dude we’ve been dating for a while has really fucked up problems. So how could love at first sight be LOVE? In these scenarios, we don’t even know their name, let alone of any predisposition they might have for killing puppies. In this day and age, there is a fine line between “love at first sight” and “creepy stalker,” and the line seems more skewed towards creepy stalker.
So what is the point? The point is I need advice.
A SERIES OF IMPORTANT QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ANSWER
1. you have to date one of these dudes. all you know about them are their names. who would you choose? A.J., B.J., C.J., D.J., J.J., M.J., O.J., P.J., R.J., or T.J.
2. if i threw a guy named Sky into the mix, would that change anything?
3. subway or quiznos?
4. is having a sugar daddy just another form of prostitution?
5. how much money would you need to sleep with someone you are completely unattracted to. don’t say no amount, everyone has a price. it is allowed to be inordinately high, but how low would you go?
6. on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your college experience (so far)?
7. on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your life experience so far?
8. do you ever wish on some vague level that you could be a member of the opposite sex?
9. if you could eat one food product all the time with no consequences, what would it be?
10. what’s a dealbreaker for you if you’re in a relationship?