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Call Me Or I’ll Kill You And Your Family In Your Sleep Maybe

In which I analyze the subtext of the pop song Call Me Maybe:

I threw a body in the well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell
And now you’re in my way
(You’re next)

I trade my soul for a wish
(I have Satan on speed dial)
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
(He’s cheap)
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way
(Guess I have to kill you)
Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(That’s where I’m going to make the first incision)
Hot night, wind was blowing
(Setting your house on fire was a lot easier than I thought)
Where you think you’re going baby?

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(You sure you don’t hear that Gregorian chanting?)
But here’s my number
(It’s Inmate 999248284)
so call me maybe
(Or I’ll rip your throat out)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number
(You can just use those phones separated by glass.)
so call me maybe
(Don’t text, we don’t get cell service cuz of the padding.)


Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(And by maybe I mean I’ll kill you if you don’t)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(There’s a warrant out for my arrest)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(You heard me)

You took your time with the call
(Fuck you)
I took no time with the fall
(Third failed suicide attempt)
You gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way
(I know where you live)
I beg and borrow and steal
(Literally)
At first sight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it, but it’s in my way
(Choking your brother was easy cause his neck was so soft)

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(I just sent wolves after you.)
Hot night, wind was blowing.
(Seriously surprised at how fast fire spreads.)
Where you think you’re going, baby?
(There’s no escape)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(I bought a gun to protect myself!)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(We’ve been over this)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(Because your imminent death pains me)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(While you still have the chance.)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(Most of the time I think I’m a wolf trapped in a girl’s body)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If I’m not at the psych ward try looking me up at the prison)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(I think maybe I killed their mothers)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Or yeah, I’ll kill you and your family in your sleep)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Part of my psychological disorder – I miss non-existent entities)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
(Yeah I have a lot of problems)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(I cut myself)
And you should know that… I missed you so, so bad
(So now I have to take it out on you)

It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(You’re standing in the sun and I can’t come in direct contact with daylight)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Jesus this song is repetitive, sorry, again, part of my condition. I have tourettes too)

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
(You haven’t seen the half of how crazy it is)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(It’s your only chance to save you and your family)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(Most of them are cops and SWAT team members)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If you don’t have a cell phone let’s chat telepathically maybe)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Unless I missed my father? I can’t remember, I also have amnesia)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(So romantic, right?)
And you should know that
So call me maybe
(Did I already say if you don’t I’ll kill you and your entire family in your sleep?)

Ringo’s Diary

Hey guys, this is kind of weird but I was shopping in Silverlake at this supremely chill record store because I decided I’m only going to listen to stuff on vinyl now (seriously, it just sounds better) and came across a small leather bound book. I checked it out. It was Ringo Starr’s diary from his days in The Beatles. Very obscure. There must only be like, 5 copies of it max in the entire United States. Maybe a couple more in Liverpool I’m guessing, I’m gonna have to look into that.

Anyway, I didn’t want to be an asshole and keep this amazing find all to myself, so I transcribed a couple choice entries which I decided I’d share with you here…

August 18, 1968

I’ve just about had it with Paul. If we have to play one more song that’s about him I might just really quit this time. All of his songs are about himself! It’s just selfish. And now he’s gone and done it again. He’s been talking for weeks about how he wants to fuck Linda on the side of the road after he saw some monkeys doing it on the road. He’s so pretentious. We get it Paul, you connected with India and now you read meaning into everything because you’re sooo spiritual. Ugh, the worst! Maybe monkeys fucking on the side of the road are just about monkeys fucking on the side of the road, why does he have to make everything about himself??? I just can’t even understand it anymore. He made monkeys fucking on the side of the road about him fucking Linda on the side of the road and now he wrote a fucking song about it. You know what, I hope they do fuck on the side of the road and then get run over by a bloody car.

September 10, 1968

Had a weird dream last night that I can’t really tell anyone about, so I will tell you, diary. Paul and I were in the recording studio… well, it didn’t look at all like the recording studio but for some reason I knew that was where we were. At first it was pretty normal, just a couple of the usual recurring acid flashbacks… that one goofy talking elephant was there. Boy is he a hoot. But then after he left Paul looked me in the eyes, caressed my face and said, “everything is going to be alright, Ringo.” and then he kissed me. His lips were really soft, but I woke up feeling kind of weird about it. No idea what it could mean.

October 1, 1968

I’ve really just had it with this White Album. It’s total bullshit. Revolution 9 is just the worst. I sort of get the feeling they just deliberately wrote it so there’d be a song that didn’t require any drums. It’s not even a song. It’s just noise. I told them it wasn’t a good idea. Did they care? No, of course not. I started to think afterward maybe I should have told them that I loved the idea of it, maybe then they would have not put the song on the album just to spite me. At least then I wouldn’t have to be associated with a band that put that crap out in the world. They think they’re so edgy and innovative. I just want to play the drums, when did it stop being about the music???

October 31, 1968

The boys are going to Elton John’s Halloween party. They think I should come as “The Walrus”. I personally wanted to go as a train conductor. None of them ever care about what I want to do. They don’t even treat me like a person, I’m just their novelty accessory. John is going to go as Jesus. He’s such an asshole. Seriously thinking about just staying in and watching the telly. I’d watch a horror movie but those scare me.

January 18, 1969

Sad today. Oh well.

April 15, 1969

I just had the best idea for a song ever. The boys really better let me do it. I never get to write any of the songs! Come on, just this one, please! It’s a beautiful song about octopuses. I think octopuses are the best. I was on Peter Seller’s boat not too long ago and I remember I ordered the fish and chips. Well, they gave me squid instead. It was okay though, rubbery but tastes like chicken. Then the boat captain told me all about octopuses. He said that they travel along the sea bed picking up stones and shiny objects with which to build gardens. I’d like to be under the sea in an octopuses garden! I think if they let me do it it’ll turn out really great, maybe it’ll even be remembered as the best Beatles song ever! Boy I hope so. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think maybe I could even sing on this one. I’ve been singing a little in the shower lately. I don’t want to tell anyone in case they make fun of me, but my voice isn’t bad… definitely better than John’s. Oh well, I’m pretty excited about this song about octopuses anyway. I hope it works out.

I Love Katy Perry

Well, love is a strong word. I don’t know that I’d take Katy Perry out to dinner and a movie. (I would take Britney.) Maybe just an extended night of drinks at the bar. I’m still very fond of her though.

Mostly I don’t have any particularly strong opinions about Katy Perry, except that I have a tendency to type out “Pretty” when writing her last name, and I think she’s a fun girl. Isn’t that really all you’re supposed to think about Katy Perry though? That’s she’s fun? I think that’s the point. I think a lot of people are overthinking her.

And thus, here is my post where I overthink the fact that I don’t (usually) overthink Katy Perry’s existence, and how I notice that some other people do seem to overthink it.

I’ve been advised by many friends, men and women alike, to not enjoy Katy Perry nor her music.

Reasons for disliking her seem to extend to:

1. There’s a song called “Ur so gay” which is potentially offensive to gay people.

2. She tries too hard / is obnoxious.

3. She does shit like this (maybe this is the same as point 2):


4. I don’t know why you’d hate Katy Perry, honestly. You tell me. Her music isn’t that good?

5. Something about feminism and how she isn’t.

Here are my responses to these potential reasons.

1. Gay people love Katy Perry.

2. Like Lady Gaga doesn’t try too hard and isn’t actually worse? (I think people who dislike Katy Perry are usually fine with Lady Gaga, as far as I can tell.)

3. I think that’s awesome.

4. Her music is catchy as hell and she doesn’t even write it so who are we to really analyze her merits as a songwriter? Don’t even get into all that bullshit about how lame it is that she doesn’t write her own music. Of course she doesn’t! What do you people expect from this industry!? Talent!?!?!?! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WHY DO YOU HATE KATY PERRY I HONESTLY DON’T GET IT!

5. I am a staunch feminist (search this blog for angry/ranty posts about feminist issues! There are plenty!) but it is also widely true that, “girls just want to have fun.” And who embraces the concept of fun more than Katy Perry? Therefore, isn’t Katy Perry’s quest for fun really kind of feminist in that she is just a girl living her life, being herself, and not giving a shit about what other people think about her?

Here are the reasons I adore her:

1. 

a) Her retard voice is AMAZING.

b) This video is fucking hilarious.

c) This song is so catchy.

d) I want to go to that party.

e) Rebecca Black is adorably awful and it’s funny.

f) STOP OVERTHINKING IT FRIENDS WHO ARE DOWN ON KATY PERRY! LET ME DROOL OVER HOW ADORABLE SHE IS WITH HEADGEAR.

2. For as outrageous and insane as she is, and for as “hard as she might try,” I’m pretty sure Katy Perry is probably one of the least political pop stars I can think of, save possibly Britney Spears? Like when is the last time anyone really heard Katy Perry have a strong opinion about something? Am I wrong? I am tired of hearing Lady Gaga tell me things about how to be a woman or how to be a person or how to have a career or how to blah blah blah. I really honestly don’t want my pop stars to blather the world with uninspired statements that become overblown out of proportion just because of their visibility. Like, none of these girls are really especially smart, but that was never the point. So I just appreciate that Katy Perry, in a way, ISN’T trying to hard. She’s just like, “hey I’m a girl singing shit producers tell me to sing and having fun doing it.” Message? What message?

3. Oh my god I love her retard voice. (“MY SOLAR SYSTEM WAS OFF OF THE POST!”)

4. SHE’S FUN! Seriously, let’s not overthink this. There really isn’t a lot to think about. And that’s what I don’t get. There’s not really a lot I can say to explain why I love Katy Perry, because it’s like, she just exists and does stuff and it’s entertaining. That’s the entertainment industry. It has no implicit value beyond just being FUN. Why can’t that be enough sometimes? Why does everything have to mean something? Why can’t we be retarded 13 year olds wearing headgears who, through hilarious happenstance, go to a hybrid 1980s/2011 party? Why am I defending Katy Perry?

An Open Letter to Bisexuals

Dear (Hot, and preferably blonde) Bisexual Girls,

Are you really bisexual? Well, me neither, but I think we can both agree that this is a little irrelevant. I have a proposition to make, one which I think you’ll find is mutually beneficial for both of us.

I suggest that we meet up randomly at a bar and make out with each other.

Now, I apologize if I’m being too forward. However, wouldn’t you say that crazier things have happened? And hear me out, bisexual girl. I know your type. You’re just a fun loving girl looking to have a little fun! Redundant? Yes, but I must admit, I’ve been feeling the same way, and thus I hope you’ll fully consider the positive consequences of such an encounter.

First, I must reemphasize that we are of the same breed, you and I. Cut from the same cloth. You see, I understand your strife, for it is mine too. Beneath our cheerful, ditzy, and drunk exterior lies the heart of a very lonely soul. One whom desires companionship, and is desperate for any kind of attention.

We can provide both of these things for each other by making out aggressively in front of a group of rowdy bros at a bar. Though we’re want to admit it, it’s been kind of a while since either of us have made out with anyone. (Two weeks, am I right?) To address this issue, we can immediately solve it by sticking our tongues in each other’s mouths. Second, while you might claim to be attracted to me, I understand that you are not. However, the benefit of course is that the attention we give each other will gracefully transfer over to snatching the attention of boys.

It’ll be fun. Maybe we can even pretend that we’re annoyed with all the dudes trying to make out with us after we make out with each other. Hell!, maybe we can just keep making out with each other, and see where the night leads. At this point I suspect we’ll both be so wasted that anything could happen, but isn’t that really part of the adventure?

And this leads me to my next point, which is boning. Now, being bisexual and all, it comes as no surprise that you’re a horny motherfucker. Who is to blame you? Not I. Again, I understand your needs. Our downfall as women, of course, is that whenever we are with guys we immediately fall in love as soon as they stick it in us. Silly us! But let’s not forget that we still have needs. Sexual needs. So let’s just see where all this making out leads us, as I suggested. What if it lead to us getting it on in my apartment? Again, I’m normally not one to be so forward, but I think we’ll both only feel awkward about it in the morning. In the moment it’ll be exciting and liberating, and then later, a great story to tell prospective boyfriends on first dates. Also, we won’t run the risk of becoming emotionally attached to each other, which as we both know can be just so fucking annoying. Well, unless you’re a crazy psycho bitch, which is totally possible, because you’re bisexual. If you’re wondering if I’m a crazy psycho bitch, that’s a risk we’re just both going to have to take. However, to clarify, I really doubt I’m going to give a shit about you the next day, and I expect the same in return from you. Indeed, a mutually beneficial situation.

So think it over, bisexual girls. This is a great opportunity that could lead to numerous positive outcomes, and so I hope you’ll take me up on my offer. If you act now, I’ll include free facebook-tagged pictures of us getting it on at the bar!

Best,

Jessica

(I am not one of the girls in this photo. I’m actually hotter.)

Tom Hanks

I really fucking love Tom Hanks.

Aside from the obvious (he’s amazing), Tom Hanks is actually perfect. First, he really deserves his reputation for being the best actor ever, and I am just surprised he didn’t win ever Oscar ever. Also, he just seems like a really nice guy. Like, a SUPER NICE GUY. Like, ohmyfuckinggodhowareyoupossiblysuchagreathumanbeing? Third, he’s hilarious, and is willing to do things like stick his head in a dry cleaning bag and struggle to get out. I can’t find photos of this occurrence, and it is currently one of my biggest regrets.

The thing about Tom Hanks is… I wish I were him. Not even in the high-paid, award-winning, rich actor sense. More in the… I can’t believe he is so perfect and good to everyone sense and I wish I were that good of a person too. What!? How does he manage this? How can one person be so charismatic, charming, endearing, and otherwise enchanting? It would almost seem unfair, except he is so fucking good that all I can do is love him and rent all of his movies.

What would Tom Hanks do?

Probably win two Oscars.

Further Proof that Amanda Seyfried and I Should Be the Same Person

Big Love’ Stars’ Polygamy Picks

And while Hanks said he “won the lottery” with wife Rita Wilson and “wouldn’t even bother with anyone else,” some of the other “Big Love” stars already have a few men in mind for multiple marriages.

Ewan McGregor, Ryan Gosling and Tom Hanks,” Amanda Seyfried said. “Tom is as funny as hell.”

More Halloween Costumes That Have No Business Being Sexy

The Huffington Post recently did a piece entitled 13 Halloween Costumes That Have No Business Being Sexy. They did a pretty good job, but to be honest those are just the icing on the cake. There are plenty more that, well… you’ll see.

1. Sexy Skunk

In case you meet that special man with a fetish for terrible smells and small woodland creatures.

2. Sexy Smurfette

But wait! There’s more. Act today and you and your man can take part in the role play of your wildest dreams!

Not weird or creepy at all.

3. Sexy Remote Control

Don’t you wish all women had buttons that made them hotter and shut up? Am I right guys?

4. Sexy Big Bird (and Elmo)

For all men who dream of fucking a muppet.

Not to be forgotten: Sexy Elmo

5. Sexy Construction Worker

In case you want to end your night being jack-hammered.

6. Sexy Mrs. Potato Head

Check out the lips on that thing.

7. Sexy Pinocchio

Delight your inner pedophile with this classic get up.

8. Sexy Monopoly

Nothing says, “let’s get it on” quite like Hasbro board games.

9. Sexy Snowman

What better way to celebrate the holidays than with fishnet stockings and hooker boots!

10. Sexy Finding Nemo

What a great movie.

In conclusion, Halloween 2010 is going to be the best yet.