A Glimpse Into My Google Search History

Alternate Title: A Glimpse Into What Is Wrong With Me

1. Coffin Prices

Coffins, so you know, are going for about $995.00 these days.

2. Dead Cats

I don’t know what I was expecting. There were lots of pictures of dead cats, and it was horrifying and gruesome. I literally gagged. I’m mad at myself for this one.

3. What is chik-fil-A Sauce?

Chik-fil-A sauce is mostly a yellow honey BBQ sauce. My friend accurately put it best when she guessed that it was “all the sauces mixed together.”

4. What are cats saying when they meow?

It really depends on the length and tone of the meow. I learned that my cat is primarily agitated and annoyed at me.

5. Elliptical Machines

I spent a lot of time googling this, which isn’t fascinating, but there is one that is small and goes for $100. I’m still thinking about starting to seriously exercise sometime soon.

6. Hot Men Holding Pizza

A disturbing lack of results for this yielded the follow-up search “Ewan McGregor Pizza” which did not meet the pizza requirements but satisfied other areas of interest.

7. Severed Head Hollywood

They still haven’t revealed the identity officially, but we know they did find the hands and feet and the dude was suspected to be a Mexican airline employee aged 66.

8. Why do men grow beards after being rejected?

Apparently this isn’t actually a thing, it’s just a trope in TV shows and in my life.

9. Chipotle Nutrition Calculator

My burrito bowl has 700 calories but a shit load of salt.

10. Urantia Book

I visited the set of a TV show because I’m a cool asshole who gets to do shit like that sometimes and one of the crew members spoke in great length about this book, which seems to be some variation on Scientology because it has aliens. I was buying into it when he was talking about “multiple dimensions” but then he lost me when he started talking about the alien’s governmental system.

11. Apocalypse Dreams

Had another dream about the apocalypse. “To dream of apocalypse means loss of control, destruction, especially from external circumstances. It could represent a fear of these things, or of some past, current, expected, or feared situation in your life involving chaos and loss of control.” Probably doesn’t mean anything.

12.  Kyoto Tachibana High School Band

Adorable, adorable, amazing, please watch this:

13. How to entertain a dog / am I psychologically scarring my cat by having a dog in the house

I babysat my friend’s dog a while ago and tried to entertain her. Primarily we went for walks and avoided my cat.

14. Ennui

Ugh, yeah, I fucking googled this.

15. Lindsay Lohan Playboy

; )

16. Jessica Cabot

I have accounts on twitter, wordpress, linkedin, and tumblr!

17. Would it be weird if I wore dude underwear?

Seems like, not really.

18. P.J. Budders

Just as I suspected!

19. Drag King Tips

For a hot second I wanted to be a Drag King that primarily covered Tom Jones songs. Mostly you need to strap down your boobs and have confidence.

20. Good Looking Fajitas Guacamole

Seemed to have a little trouble with this one:

Realistically, there is a lot that I am not admitting I googled. 

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Yelp Gets Dangerous or How I Insulted Truffles

I have to admit, I’m a pretty avid Yelp reviewer. Most recently I tried the Truffle Beet Salad at Umami Burger, which I did not enjoy. I made a comment that I didn’t think truffle flavor really belonged on salads, and that it was better suited to traditional food items like noodles, eggs, and french fries. Here are the results of my review:

Some Random Yelp Asshole: truffle dont go with salads u must be pretty fucking stupid

Me: it’s true. the opinions of my taste buds do directly reflect my cognitive abilities. i apologize that i have offended what is clearly your overt passion for truffles. have you enjoyed the truffle beet salad at umami burger? you must have enjoyed it. sometimes i forget that i’m wrong about everything and random, aggressive strangers on the internet are right. i will keep this in mind for my next yelp review.

(I take a moment to ponder the asshole’s original message.)

Me: in retrospect, due to the poor grammar of your original comment, i realize i am now uncertain if you were agreeing with me, that “yes, truffles don’t go with salads, you must have been pretty fucking stupid to even bother trying that salad” or if you indeed disagree as I originally took your message. This is an important debate, so obviously I hope you respond soon.

Themes

Life has been… interesting, to say the least, lately. Instead of going into lengthy details I will just post various article I came across that seem to resonate with some of these… “themes” that have been coming up.

Greg Giraldo

Perfection

The second one gives kind of weird examples that don’t apply to my life, but I think the gist is relevant.

Hm. I don’t know. I don’t think that I expected to grow up and identify closely with middle aged men with stand up careers. Oh Louie.

Basset Hounds

Basset hounds are going to make me famous:

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.

Today

Search Views
i miss you, bassett 4
bassett hound 3
bassett hounds 2
pictures of basset hounds and beagle pup 1
bassett birthday 1
basset hound 1
hound fat 1