Context: I am at work, giving a tour.
Dude: So, do you want to be an actress or something?
Me: Actually, I want to be a comedian.
Woman: Are you serious?
Me: I think that’s the only serious thing I’ve ever said.
Context: I am on Facebook, procrastinating.
Friend: hey! what’s up?
Me: not much. um. yeah. haha. just chillin’. how are you?
Friend: I’m freaking out because I’m too high. Has anything I’ve said to you made any sense lately?
INT. NBC Page Office
JESSICA CABOT sits at a computer. She blows her nose. A GIRL observes this.
Girl: Oh, Jessica are you sick?
Jessica: Oh, yeah, I’ve been sick for a while…
Girl: OH. GOD. Don’t get close to me. I mean, stay over there. My birthday is this Friday. I don’t want to get sick on my birthday.
I’m going to Paris for my birthday. My boyfriend is taking me.
INT. NBC Page Office
The same girl with the birthday sits at her computer. She looks up to make a comment.
Girl: Jessica, your page uniform fits you really well.
Girl: Really, it fits your body so well. What size is your jacket?
Jessica: Um, a four.
Girl: Oh. A four? Let me see what size jacket I have.
The girl RUNS to her locker. She checks the size of her jacket. She runs back into the office.
Girl: Oh! I have a size two! Oh my god my size two is just so big on me. You’re so lucky that your jacket fits you so well! Mine is a size two and it’s HUGE.
Jessica: I guess I’m fatter than you.
Boyfriend: And then there was Law & Order SVU: Babies, which…. got pretty dark.
Your Spouse: So how was work today honey?
You: Oh, it was okay.
Your Spouse: Do anything interesting?
You: Not really. Same old same old.
Your Spouse: Oh. Just surfed on the backs of two dolphins again?
You: Yeah, pretty much. And one of the whales shot me up into the air with its nose, which was okay except I got some water up in my nose when I landed in the water.
Your Spouse: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.
You: Yeah, well. It’s a living.
Boyfriend: Your last couple of blog posts make you seem like you’re on crystal meth.
To continue this theme, I have made another vlog. In this one, I discuss how I am so fucking interesting.