Call Me Or I’ll Kill You And Your Family In Your Sleep Maybe

In which I analyze the subtext of the pop song Call Me Maybe:

I threw a body in the well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell
And now you’re in my way
(You’re next)

I trade my soul for a wish
(I have Satan on speed dial)
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
(He’s cheap)
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way
(Guess I have to kill you)
Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(That’s where I’m going to make the first incision)
Hot night, wind was blowing
(Setting your house on fire was a lot easier than I thought)
Where you think you’re going baby?

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(You sure you don’t hear that Gregorian chanting?)
But here’s my number
(It’s Inmate 999248284)
so call me maybe
(Or I’ll rip your throat out)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number
(You can just use those phones separated by glass.)
so call me maybe
(Don’t text, we don’t get cell service cuz of the padding.)


Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(And by maybe I mean I’ll kill you if you don’t)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(There’s a warrant out for my arrest)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(You heard me)

You took your time with the call
(Fuck you)
I took no time with the fall
(Third failed suicide attempt)
You gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way
(I know where you live)
I beg and borrow and steal
(Literally)
At first sight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it, but it’s in my way
(Choking your brother was easy cause his neck was so soft)

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(I just sent wolves after you.)
Hot night, wind was blowing.
(Seriously surprised at how fast fire spreads.)
Where you think you’re going, baby?
(There’s no escape)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(I bought a gun to protect myself!)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(We’ve been over this)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(Because your imminent death pains me)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(While you still have the chance.)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(Most of the time I think I’m a wolf trapped in a girl’s body)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If I’m not at the psych ward try looking me up at the prison)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(I think maybe I killed their mothers)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Or yeah, I’ll kill you and your family in your sleep)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Part of my psychological disorder – I miss non-existent entities)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
(Yeah I have a lot of problems)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(I cut myself)
And you should know that… I missed you so, so bad
(So now I have to take it out on you)

It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(You’re standing in the sun and I can’t come in direct contact with daylight)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Jesus this song is repetitive, sorry, again, part of my condition. I have tourettes too)

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
(You haven’t seen the half of how crazy it is)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(It’s your only chance to save you and your family)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(Most of them are cops and SWAT team members)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If you don’t have a cell phone let’s chat telepathically maybe)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Unless I missed my father? I can’t remember, I also have amnesia)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(So romantic, right?)
And you should know that
So call me maybe
(Did I already say if you don’t I’ll kill you and your entire family in your sleep?)

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About jessicacabot

I'm a person and sometimes other things.

One response to “Call Me Or I’ll Kill You And Your Family In Your Sleep Maybe”

  1. Jay says :

    I bet Carly Rae would look pretty nice wearing a suit made of my skin.

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