Call Me Or I’ll Kill You And Your Family In Your Sleep Maybe

In which I analyze the subtext of the pop song Call Me Maybe:

I threw a body in the well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell
And now you’re in my way
(You’re next)

I trade my soul for a wish
(I have Satan on speed dial)
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
(He’s cheap)
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way
(Guess I have to kill you)
Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(That’s where I’m going to make the first incision)
Hot night, wind was blowing
(Setting your house on fire was a lot easier than I thought)
Where you think you’re going baby?

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(You sure you don’t hear that Gregorian chanting?)
But here’s my number
(It’s Inmate 999248284)
so call me maybe
(Or I’ll rip your throat out)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number
(You can just use those phones separated by glass.)
so call me maybe
(Don’t text, we don’t get cell service cuz of the padding.)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(And by maybe I mean I’ll kill you if you don’t)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(There’s a warrant out for my arrest)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(You heard me)

You took your time with the call
(Fuck you)
I took no time with the fall
(Third failed suicide attempt)
You gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way
(I know where you live)
I beg and borrow and steal
At first sight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it, but it’s in my way
(Choking your brother was easy cause his neck was so soft)

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(I just sent wolves after you.)
Hot night, wind was blowing.
(Seriously surprised at how fast fire spreads.)
Where you think you’re going, baby?
(There’s no escape)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(I bought a gun to protect myself!)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(We’ve been over this)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(Because your imminent death pains me)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(While you still have the chance.)

Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(Most of the time I think I’m a wolf trapped in a girl’s body)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If I’m not at the psych ward try looking me up at the prison)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(I think maybe I killed their mothers)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Or yeah, I’ll kill you and your family in your sleep)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Part of my psychological disorder – I miss non-existent entities)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
(Yeah I have a lot of problems)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(I cut myself)
And you should know that… I missed you so, so bad
(So now I have to take it out on you)

It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(You’re standing in the sun and I can’t come in direct contact with daylight)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Jesus this song is repetitive, sorry, again, part of my condition. I have tourettes too)

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
(You haven’t seen the half of how crazy it is)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(It’s your only chance to save you and your family)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(Most of them are cops and SWAT team members)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If you don’t have a cell phone let’s chat telepathically maybe)

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Unless I missed my father? I can’t remember, I also have amnesia)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(So romantic, right?)
And you should know that
So call me maybe
(Did I already say if you don’t I’ll kill you and your entire family in your sleep?)


In Which I Unleash All Of My Anger And Aggression On The Perks Of Being A Wallflower


I presume no one saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I further speculate that no one in their right mind gives half as much of a shit about it as much as I really fucking hate it and can’t stand it.

I read the book in high school because I HEARD IT WAS GOOD and ALSO SURPRISING FACT I WAS SOMETHING OF A WALLFLOWER MYSELF GROWING UP AND SO ONE MIGHT HAVE ASSUMED THAT IT WAS RELATABLE MATERIAL. I didn’t remember anything about the book after I had read it except that a) I actually tortured myself by reading the whole thing and b) I hated it. I remembered hating it because the main character in the book sounded like he has aspergers, a mental affliction which I have callously and shamelessly admitted I can’t stand.

I saw the movie and was quickly reminded, visually this time, about why I fucking hate this crap and I now hold the opinion that Stephen Chbosky must be some sort of self-aggrandizing child porn collector. OH BY THE WAY “CHBOSKY” WHAT ARE YOU TOO COOL CAN YOU NOT AFFORD TO BUY A FUCKING VOWEL GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.

Here is a functional list of things I really fucking hate about this movie/book/abomination against all that is sacred:

1) dear friend? Who the fuck is this “friend”? WHO STILL FUCKING WRITES LETTERS? That’s super creepy psychopath behavior, trust me. In fact, I’m lead to believe that this main character is suffering from a major case of schizophrenic delusion and writing these things to no one because who could he be writing these letters to that would even give a shit about this kid’s mopey sensitive “I don’t fit in life is so oppressive you just don’t understand” diatribe. Guess what jerkoff, no one fit in during high school so WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET HIGH AND PLAY STAR WARS VIDEO GAMES LIKE THE REST OF US??? JESUS.

2) The main gay character is like, so annoying. Kudos to you, sir, for accepting your sexuality in the face of high school discrimination at such a young age. I’m glad those “It Gets Better” videos are doing something for you. BUT OH MY GOD YOU AREN’T LIKE SOME HOLY SAVIOR WHO WAS SENT FROM ABOVE TO TEACH US ALL A LESSON ABOUT LIVING FREELY. This character called his woodshop teacher a fascist! Is that what kids are still calling that? Woodshop? I didn’t have woodshop workshop clockshop, but nonetheless DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT FASCISM MEANS?! Yeah, maybe your teacher is a fucking dick and maybe he gives you bullshit assignments that you hate and aren’t good at but that doesn’t make him a dictator who is trying to oppress your precious sense of individuality, it just makes him some dude who never left his hometown and hates his life because he has to deal with obnoxious narcissistic kids like you on a daily basis.

3) THE REFERENCES! OH GOD THE REFERENCES! Kill me now. OH MY GOD THE SMITHS ARE MY FAVORITE BAND AND I’M 16 AND I AM SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM THE FIRST 16 YEAR OLD TO FIGURE OUT THAT MORRISSEY IS TOTALLY AWESOME. “Oh my god! They’re playing like, actually good music!” they squeal with delight as “Take On Me” plays for the bazillionth time in a high school auditorium. I think the book is supposed to take place in the late 90s but WHATEVER STILL because the 80s weren’t that long ago! Great, you figured out how to recycle old pop music and reclaim it as “cool” because you weren’t even a fetus when it was made, so you could really have no concept of exactly how mainstream all this bullshit you think is so “indie”. YOUR UNIQUE PERSONA CRAFTED FROM WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY JUST GOOD MUSIC THAT EVERYONE WHO LISTENS TO MUSIC HAS HEARD IS HACKNEYED CLICHED BULLSHIT. I am basically just trying to say that kids in high school aren’t special.

3b) like Rocky Horror Picture Show! Stephen Chbosky was like “Hey, I know what high schoolers like, they like feeling original!” “Hm, I’m a weird man in his 30s who isn’t a good writer but who knows how to use cliches and tired coming of age tropes to my advantage! I know! Let me just write a shittier version of Catcher In The Rye and punch it up with fun modern references of originality!” “Google search: What are all the cool unique kids into these days!?” “Google: Uhh… mostly they’re just the same old shitty things like that have sentimental motifs like mix tapes and playing truth or dare. Also yeah, The Smiths, The Smiths speak to them.”

4) Oh, right, the main kid is terrible. In general, I am so tired of young sensitive pussy assholes being portrayed as these tortured romantic souls who are just pining hopelessly after that manic pixie dream girl. OH MY GOD IF ONLY SHE STOPPED DATING ASSHOLES! I am so tortured! Why doesn’t she just like me because I’d love her and NOT treat her like crap UGH I’M JUST SUCH A NICE GUY! I’m 14! OH GOD SHE IS SO DUMB BECAUSE SHE DATES GUYS WHO TREATS HER LIKE SHIT AND DOESN’T NOTICE ME! Yes, this is the plight of women. Women obviously hate themselves because they date the wrong guys and ignore sensitive ones! But maybe these sensitive guys should start checking themselves and their aspergers and grow some fucking balls and stop pining and start doing shit. And maybe she’s dating those asshole guys because they have some sense of confidence, and whatever, confidence is hot. Get some confidence and an Ed Hardy shirt for fucksake and stop wearing that gay-ass suit. No one gives a shit that “all writers wore suits” you look like a fucking jackass. Besides, sensitive brooding dudes always bail as soon as things get too real because they’re all into hating themselves and ruining good things they could have because being ~*tortured*~ is their MO. They ain’t no heros. Therefore — tired of this movie trope. Yeah, I’m looking at you too Zach Braff.

5) I think that’s it. Even if there was more I think that was as much anger as I had in the tank. Fuck this movie up the ass.

6) Afterthought: I think it’s revealed at the very end that the main character was molested by his Aunt. I think that’s just creepy and sort of a weird addendum to this “coming of age” story. “Ugh high school is the worst I am so unpopular and awkward! also I was molested by my Aunt.” HELLO. ISN’T THAT LIKE THE ENTIRE STORY THEN? So if Stephen Chbosky would like any of my constructive criticism on his bestselling book/movie I’d like to offer that there should either be more Aunt molesting or no Aunt molesting, the current amount of Aunt molesting was weird and begged for further questions.