This Seal


I want to write a live multi-cam sitcom called “This Seal” and the premise is that a seal lives with a family and wreaks havoc and instigates hilarious mishaps and misunderstandings and the catch phrase for everyone is “This Seal!” 

“Can you believe This Seal?”

“I mean seriously, This Seal.”

“This Seal, amirite?”

“Who does This Seal think he is!?”

“So I was walking down the street and I run into This Seal, right…”

“He’s just This Seal I’m seeing.”

“That’s so This Seal.”

“Check out the tits on This Seal…”

“Oh, just This Seal.” 

“Don’t pull a This Seal!”

“This Seal over here thinks he’s a real charmer.”

“Hey, has anyone else heard about This Seal?”

“Well I tell ya, This Seal!”



A Director Fires A Cat


Whiskers… Do you mind if I call you Whiskers? Okay, great. Look, Whiskers, we really appreciate the work you’ve done for us, but unfortunately I just don’t think it’s working out.

Honestly? “A Person Lives In Their Apartment” is not about you. It’s just not. You have a supporting role.

Whiskers, it doesn’t matter that you think the material is stale. It really doesn’t matter that you think your character should eat at 9am instead of 11:30am. It’s written in the script that “A Person”, our main character, is hungover and will be sleeping in late since it’s Saturday morning.

Alright, I might be willing to give you one more chance, but that means when A Person is lying on the bed moaning you cannot jump into frame and start walking all over them. The scene isn’t about you. It’s written here clearly that you’re supposed to be curled up in a ball sleeping too!

No, your character is important. By sleeping in a little ball in the corner of the bed you’re emphasizing our main character’s strife and sleeping habits. Your character is a reflection upon the main action.

You know what, honestly, fuck you. Forget it. I’m not giving you a second chance. We’ve had literally no problems this entire time on set with Dog. Dog is sleeping next to A Person as we speak. Rarely ever barks. Do you know how many times I’ve heard you meowing and whining on set? Honestly, your constant bitching has just become a droning background noise that a lot of us on set have come to accept. “Meoooow!” “Meooow!” “Meeooow!” We get it! You think this should be “The Cat Show”. Well it’s not, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe go outdoors if you want more creative control in this.

Not to mention you’ve been destroying property on set for literally no reason. That house plant? Completely thrashed. A minor C story of our plot was watching A Person struggle to keep that house plant alive, and in the third act she notices that she’s kept it alive for over a year in spite of her forgetfulness. But here you come along and now that scene was cut out. They threw the plant away. Are you happy?

I don’t know what your deal is, Whiskers, but I just don’t think this is working out.

Yeah, maybe we do have different creative visions, but that’s the business. I’m sorry. You’re fired. We’re re-writing the show without your character.

Fine, see you in court.