Archive | November 2011

Conversations With My Cat

Photo on 2011-11-22 at 22.53

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my new kitty lately and getting to know her. I think her name is Freida but I’ve been calling her Frida. Here are excerpts from some of our most recent discussions:

Me: Awww you’re a BABY!!!!
Frida: *purrs*

Me: Awww who’s a baby!??!?!
Frida: *purrs*

Me: Hey baby!
Frida: *sleeps adorably*

Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!?
Frida: *climbs a chair*

Me: Jesus Christ, what has gotten into you??!
Frida: *acts like a kitten*

Me: Awww, I love you baby kitty!
Frida: *sleeps in the crook of my arm*

Me: Awww, are you a baby??
Frida: *sleeps on her back*

Me: Seriously, I am going to fucking kill you in your fucking sleep.
Frida: *chases things that look like strings*

Me: I love you so much! Are you my baby?
Frida: *sleeps while I hold her like a baby*

Fuck You, Coke!

Coca-Cola is the fucking worst. Why? Should I be mad at them because they have successfully created some sort of poisonous yet delicious beverage that I am helplessly addicted to? Probably. Indeed, their secret combination of rat poison chemicals is one I am loathe to ever give up, despite my full awareness that it could lead to my very demise.

And yet, I am not upset at all at Coke for these transgressions.

Today though, they crossed the line.

Look at this fucking bullshit. What the fuck is this? LOOK AT THESE CANS. Particularly, look at these cans, SIDE BY SIDE. Imagine these cans INSIDE A VENDING MACHINE. It is easy to see, I’d like to think, how one could at first, not-paying-that-much-attention glance CONFUSE these cans as being one in the same.

And yet, they are not.

If you observe closely, when you make a side by side comparison and REALLY check out the details, you will note several differences between these two cans of coke.

1. One has polar bears.

2. One is a slightly different shade of silver than the other.

3. ONE HAS FUCKING 140 CALORIES!!!

So you’ll imagine my surprise when I went to purchase “diet coke” and received instead fat coke. What am I supposed to do with fat coke? Drink it? You want me to drink 140 calories of what is ultimately corn syrup which is probably only a little bit better than the rat poison I was initially planning on consuming? What if I gained weight? Let’s not talk about the entire Domino’s pizza I ate by myself last night. But no. I won’t. I won’t stoop to drinking regular fucking coke.

So what am I expected to do then? Well, I did it. I sprung for another fucking 85 cents just so I could have the diet that was RIGHT NEXT TO THE VERY SIMILAR LOOKING REGULAR COKE BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME SERIOUSLY COCA-COLA YOU ARE A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION DIDN’T YOU THINK THIS MIGHT CONFUSE SOME OF YOUR CUSTOMERS WHO HAVE INSOMNIA AND DON’T GET A LOT OF SLEEP SO THEY RELY ON YOUR CAFFEINATED PRODUCTS TO GET THEM THROUGH THE DAYS?

I am a little disgusted with what I am now perceiving as an obvious ploy on the part of the coca-cola corporation to get me to waste even MORE of what is already my bad habit of wasting money on their products. I am a slave to their will, as evidenced by the fact that I have been driven to this kind of madness where I must justifiably make choices like buying two cans of coke at once from a vending machine because one was disguised as a Diet can of coke in some sort of bullshit holiday bullshit.

I now am in possession of a can of regular holiday Coca-Cola which I will not myself consume. Perhaps I will pay it forward to someone in need, someone who can’t regularly afford cans of Coca-Cola. Yes, perhaps then I will teach the Coca-Cola corporation a lesson. I will show them that I am above their con artistry, and that despite their deceiving ways I am charitable. That’s what they say you know. Treat others as you wish to be treated. So there Coca-Cola. Maybe you think you got the best of me, but little did you know I happen to be a very generous person, and so I can only hope that you learned a thing or two about the good will of humanity. Yes, I can only hope.