Context: I am at work, giving a tour.
Dude: So, do you want to be an actress or something?
Me: Actually, I want to be a comedian.
Woman: Are you serious?
Me: I think that’s the only serious thing I’ve ever said.
Context: I am on Facebook, procrastinating.
Friend: hey! what’s up?
Me: not much. um. yeah. haha. just chillin’. how are you?
Friend: I’m freaking out because I’m too high. Has anything I’ve said to you made any sense lately?
Now, I know you’ve been scouring the internet, Pintrest and back, looking for the perfect thing to cook in this moment since you are stoned. I am here to help you find just the recipe.
How about this:
Burritos con mole rojo y guacamole. Sounds good, right?
Go down to your kitchen. Oh, shit, you haven’t been to the market in almost a month. What’s that? Oh. Your grocery supplies have basically completely dwindled down to nothing? Well, how about calling Domino’s? Oh. That’s right. You called them three days ago and you’ve been eating nothing but Domino’s pizza since. Well, plus that box of pizza just ran out. Open your fridge, what’s in there? Milk, onions, ketchup, mustard, relish, bbq sauce, ranch dressing, A1 Sauce, salsa, sour cream, more salsa, diet coke, diet pepsi… Holy shit, well, you got sauces covered.
Uh, shit, well there’s some pasta over there. I guess we’ll make some, “Uh, Shit, I Guess I’ll Make Some Pasta” Pasta.
See, that’s not so bad. And let’s keep in mind that you are stoned, so this should be right up your ally in the end. Or you won’t notice too much, anyway. All food tastes good! 🙂
-crushed red pepper flakes
1. Boil a pot of water. You have some pasta, but no sauce, so, I don’t know, you’ll figure something out for sauce. Too bad you don’t have pesto, pesto would have been good right now.
2. Oh, hey! You have garlic and onions left over from when you were trying to be healthier and eat “stir fry” weeks ago! Go in the fridge and find the pre-diced onions. Oh. They expired a week ago? Well, whatever, they only look a little yellow and you’re going to cook them anyway.
3. Take the pan from the cupboard and put some olive oil in there. Good thing you have the basic cooking ingredients still in the kitchen. Dump the onions in the oil, they’re going to need some time to carmalize.
4. OH SHIT. You forgot to put the pasta in the boiling water and it’s already been boiling for like, five minutes. Dump pasta in.
5. Set timer for 10 minutes.
6. Go over to the garlic. Now is a good time to prep these while the onions start to cook. Looks like you have about 5 cloves left. Sure, why not, just cut those up and dump them all in there with your garlic press because it’s not a lot of garlic once you use the garlic press anyway.
7. OH SHIT. When did the onions start burning? You forgot that you had the gas on too high. Well just turn off the stove, in this case.
8. Dump garlic in pan with burnt onions.
9. Hmm… what else could go in here? You have butter. Butter tastes good. And it’s a fat, like oil, but may as well put in a different kind of fat to add flavor. I mean, oil AND butter? Who has ever complained about that?
10. Too bad you don’t have tomato sauce. Well, add some salt and pepper and red chili flakes in there for some flavor. What else has flavor. This white wine vingear you have from when you were trying to be healthy and make your own salad dressing has flavor. There are lemons in the fridge too but those have DEFINITELY been there for at least 2 months so don’t use those. That’s a little less weird than salsa. Put in the vinegar.
11. Well, if you’re going to put in vinegar then you should at least get some sugar in there because vinegar can be strong.
12. Here are some pine nuts. Okay, sure, why not. Dump.
13. Pasta is done! Well, it’s almost done but it’s only 1:30 left before the time says it’s done and who wants to wait.
14. Drain pasta.
15. Dump pasta in pan with oil butter onion concoction.
16. Stir, and turn flame back on. Add parmesan cheese liberally.
17. Turn off stove and serve.
Do not serve to others. Only eat by yourself alone in your room. The pine nuts were a mistake, so eat around them. Diet coke helps it taste better after it’s already in your mouth. Smoke up a little more just to make sure you’re sufficiently out of it enough that you can compare this to something you would find in like, Italy back in medieval times. It wasn’t very good pasta. Maybe it would have tasted better if you had just dumped it in BBQ sauce like how you dip popcorn in BBQ sauce when you’re stoned. Oh well. Too late now.
Not too long ago I created a list of the top 10 chicks in Hollywood I’d totally bone if I were a dude.
What follows is a list of famous women from history I definitely wouldn’t want to fuck if I were a dude, unless maybe I got blackout drunk or someone dared me to:
10. Queen Victoria
9. Frida Kahlo
8. Mary Todd Lincoln
7. Georgia O’Keeffe
6. Susan B. Anthony
5. Agatha Christie
4. Marie Curie
3. Yoko Ono
2. Catherine the Great
1. Beatrix Potter