The following is an account of all the unwanted advice and feedback I have received in the past few months:
10. “You should go into advertising! I know someone who you remind me of and she is in advertising, therefore you’d be perfect for advertising!” – someone who doesn’t know me
9. “I’m just saying this so you know for the future, regardless of what job you end up in, but never ever start an argument at work.” – someone who started an argument with me at work
8. “You would really like acid!” – someone who takes a lot of drugs
7. “Be open to trying something you don’t think you’d like, you may just be surprised! Be flexible, you don’t need to know exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life right now!” – someone who is working at a job they hate
6. “Know exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life, people don’t want to have to babysit you and help you figure out your career! You need clarity!” – someone who obviously didn’t hear that other advice
5. “Enjoy being single and hook up with a lot of dudes! You’re young, you don’t know what you want!” – someone who doesn’t know how many dudes I’ve been with
4. “Hook up with that dude! You’re not getting any younger!” – someone who knows nothing about that dude
3. “Call that dude you hooked up with! If you don’t you’re setting feminism back 50 years!” – someone who is gay
2. “Stop thinking about that guy you hooked up with! If you don’t you’re going to be setting feminism back 50 years!” – someone who talks a lot about people they hook up with
and most to my dismay:
1. “SMILE!” – too many strangers, usually old men, who aren’t actually smiling themselves, and I am always doing something innocuous like standing still in one spot
THINGS I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIGHT OF THIS ADVICE:
1. Managed to make no discernable progress in my career.
2. Set feminism back 50 years.
The following is a movie review for Midnight in Paris, a li’l flick by Woody Allen, who is truly a wacky old man. (And by movie review I mean mostly a plot summary followed by a little bit of genuine praise.)
Midnight in Paris, as its title explicitly states, is about a pretentious screenwriter who visits Paris and to his un-drug related delight realizes that he can transport back in time in Paris at the stroke of midnight via an antique automobile. Unrealistically, he considers cheating on Rachel McAdams. She is adorable. Who could do that to her, even if she does play an outrageously pretentious bitch. Marion Cotillard is hot too. I’m sorry, what was this movie about?
Woody Allen really comes out with a big bag of tricks with this one. Let me try to reestablish the plot. Owen Wilson, having only drunk a shit ton of wine, and having, I promise, NOT taken any drugs, finds himself walking down a twisty cobbledstoned street only to be greeted by a very vintage caravan that whisks him off away to a far away, long time ago bar where he meets the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald and his lover Zelda. At one point Zelda attempts suicide because she doesn’t think ol’ Scotty likes her and Owen Wilson reassures her, “Oh, but he does.” And she rightly is like, “How the fuck do you know man?” and he wants to be like, “Oh! I’m from the future so I read some books in school about you that said that F. Scott Fitzgerald was like MAD obsessed with you even to his own detriment.” but he can’t, so he’s like, “Oh. Trust me. Oh. I know.” Owen thinks that he is in a dream, but again, when he wakes up he discovers that not only was his experience not a dream but it was NOT caused by having taken any crazy ass drugs.
Rachel McAdams ends up being a pretentious ass bitch, and falls in love with Michael Sheen’s character even though she’s engaged to Owen. The weird thing is, Michael Sheen plays a boring ol’ asshole himself, which is a waste of really awesome genuinely amazing talent because Michael Sheen can just be so fucking charming. Who hires a charming actor to play a dull character? Boo! And back to Rachel McAdams being pretentious anyway, she was hella crazy classist. She said boring shit about analyzing art and got all pissed when her expensive earrings got stolen (by her fiancee Owen who was going to give them to some other chick from the past. Woah. What the fuck? Also, spoiler). She blamed “the help”.
Sorry, back to Owen, who goes fucking BACK IN TIME MAN!!! This dude goes back in time where he meets like, all the fucking classic artists and writers from the 1920s like Salvador Dali, Earnest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein. He makes Gertrude Stein read his book, and she does. And he’s all digging the vibes of the 1920s and meets Pablo Picasso’s lady friend — Marion Cotillard. And then he tries to bone her even though he’s supposed to be boning Rachel McAdams.
Anyway, he continues to go back in time to the 1920s where he just happens to meet only famous people from the 1920s, while occasionally going back into the present to get in fights with Rachel McAdams who is pretty fucking prissy but does have pretty cute outfits that I imagine were expensive and purchased at Bloomingdale’s even though they are casual.
Basically I have two things to say about this movie:
1. It’s weird! Dude! Going back in time? In a car? That’s fine. Whatever. I’m cool with that. I’ve seen it (Back to the Future). But, this car travels back in time SPECIFICALLY to a place where ONLY FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM HISTORY not only exist but HANG OUT WITH EACH OTHER LIKE THEY’RE IN A COLLEGE FRAT AND ALL JUST HANG AND CHILL ALL THE TIME.
2. The characters are like WAY pretentious. They use words in conversation where you’re like, “Seriously? The last time I used that word was in a college essay that I wrote at 3am before it was due.” They also care about things like old antique chairs and wine tastings. However, they do all of these pretentious things UNIRONICALLY! They are completely sincere and genuine in their douchiness. They’re like, “Hey, yeah, we’re rich white spoiled people from America who are just coming to hang out in Paris because we fucking can and we have hella money.” They say it more fancily. Point is, it was weird to hear people talking about sophisticated things without it actually being an outrageous SNL caricature but rather an actual attempt to portray a “human.”
3. In spite of all this, I kind of really enjoyed this movie. It’s like a weird pretentious man’s little childhood fantasy come to life on the screen. Your heart just can’t help but melt, even if just a little bit.