Yelp Gets Dangerous or How I Insulted Truffles

I have to admit, I’m a pretty avid Yelp reviewer. Most recently I tried the Truffle Beet Salad at Umami Burger, which I did not enjoy. I made a comment that I didn’t think truffle flavor really belonged on salads, and that it was better suited to traditional food items like noodles, eggs, and french fries. Here are the results of my review:

Some Random Yelp Asshole: truffle dont go with salads u must be pretty fucking stupid

Me: it’s true. the opinions of my taste buds do directly reflect my cognitive abilities. i apologize that i have offended what is clearly your overt passion for truffles. have you enjoyed the truffle beet salad at umami burger? you must have enjoyed it. sometimes i forget that i’m wrong about everything and random, aggressive strangers on the internet are right. i will keep this in mind for my next yelp review.

(I take a moment to ponder the asshole’s original message.)

Me: in retrospect, due to the poor grammar of your original comment, i realize i am now uncertain if you were agreeing with me, that “yes, truffles don’t go with salads, you must have been pretty fucking stupid to even bother trying that salad” or if you indeed disagree as I originally took your message. This is an important debate, so obviously I hope you respond soon.

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Conversations From Work #2

INT. NBC Page Office

JESSICA CABOT sits at a computer. She blows her nose. A GIRL observes this.

Girl: Oh, Jessica are you sick?

Jessica: Oh, yeah, I’ve been sick for a while…

Girl: OH. GOD. Don’t get close to me. I mean, stay over there. My birthday is this Friday. I don’t want to get sick on my birthday.
(beat)
I’m going to Paris for my birthday. My boyfriend is taking me.

————-

INT. NBC Page Office

The same girl with the birthday sits at her computer. She looks up to make a comment.

Girl: Jessica, your page uniform fits you really well.

Jessica: Thanks.

Girl: Really, it fits your body so well. What size is your jacket?

Jessica: Um, a four.

Girl: Oh. A four? Let me see what size jacket I have.

The girl RUNS to her locker. She checks the size of her jacket. She runs back into the office.

Girl:  Oh! I have a size two! Oh my god my size two is just so big on me. You’re so lucky that your jacket fits you so well! Mine is a size two and it’s HUGE.

Jessica: I guess I’m fatter than you.

Beginners

I just saw this movie and it was perfect. I don’t think words can even describe how much I loved it, so I probably shouldn’t even bother.

I laughed. I cried. I felt things. I smiled a lot. Honestly, seeing this movie was one of the best things that’s happened to me in a while. Maybe that is just testament to how draining work can be, but I also think in part it spoke to me. And I don’t mean that in some bullshit, “look at me I’m so profound, cultured, and indie” way. In fact, I wish there were a better way to put it.

This moment from the movie is exactly the way I’d describe the kind of life I’m looking for right now. So theoretically I know it exists, but so far it’s still fictional. Wondering how to find that. Let me know if you have ideas.

An Open Letter to Bisexuals

Dear (Hot, and preferably blonde) Bisexual Girls,

Are you really bisexual? Well, me neither, but I think we can both agree that this is a little irrelevant. I have a proposition to make, one which I think you’ll find is mutually beneficial for both of us.

I suggest that we meet up randomly at a bar and make out with each other.

Now, I apologize if I’m being too forward. However, wouldn’t you say that crazier things have happened? And hear me out, bisexual girl. I know your type. You’re just a fun loving girl looking to have a little fun! Redundant? Yes, but I must admit, I’ve been feeling the same way, and thus I hope you’ll fully consider the positive consequences of such an encounter.

First, I must reemphasize that we are of the same breed, you and I. Cut from the same cloth. You see, I understand your strife, for it is mine too. Beneath our cheerful, ditzy, and drunk exterior lies the heart of a very lonely soul. One whom desires companionship, and is desperate for any kind of attention.

We can provide both of these things for each other by making out aggressively in front of a group of rowdy bros at a bar. Though we’re want to admit it, it’s been kind of a while since either of us have made out with anyone. (Two weeks, am I right?) To address this issue, we can immediately solve it by sticking our tongues in each other’s mouths. Second, while you might claim to be attracted to me, I understand that you are not. However, the benefit of course is that the attention we give each other will gracefully transfer over to snatching the attention of boys.

It’ll be fun. Maybe we can even pretend that we’re annoyed with all the dudes trying to make out with us after we make out with each other. Hell!, maybe we can just keep making out with each other, and see where the night leads. At this point I suspect we’ll both be so wasted that anything could happen, but isn’t that really part of the adventure?

And this leads me to my next point, which is boning. Now, being bisexual and all, it comes as no surprise that you’re a horny motherfucker. Who is to blame you? Not I. Again, I understand your needs. Our downfall as women, of course, is that whenever we are with guys we immediately fall in love as soon as they stick it in us. Silly us! But let’s not forget that we still have needs. Sexual needs. So let’s just see where all this making out leads us, as I suggested. What if it lead to us getting it on in my apartment? Again, I’m normally not one to be so forward, but I think we’ll both only feel awkward about it in the morning. In the moment it’ll be exciting and liberating, and then later, a great story to tell prospective boyfriends on first dates. Also, we won’t run the risk of becoming emotionally attached to each other, which as we both know can be just so fucking annoying. Well, unless you’re a crazy psycho bitch, which is totally possible, because you’re bisexual. If you’re wondering if I’m a crazy psycho bitch, that’s a risk we’re just both going to have to take. However, to clarify, I really doubt I’m going to give a shit about you the next day, and I expect the same in return from you. Indeed, a mutually beneficial situation.

So think it over, bisexual girls. This is a great opportunity that could lead to numerous positive outcomes, and so I hope you’ll take me up on my offer. If you act now, I’ll include free facebook-tagged pictures of us getting it on at the bar!

Best,

Jessica

(I am not one of the girls in this photo. I’m actually hotter.)