I really fucking love Tom Hanks.
Aside from the obvious (he’s amazing), Tom Hanks is actually perfect. First, he really deserves his reputation for being the best actor ever, and I am just surprised he didn’t win ever Oscar ever. Also, he just seems like a really nice guy. Like, a SUPER NICE GUY. Like, ohmyfuckinggodhowareyoupossiblysuchagreathumanbeing? Third, he’s hilarious, and is willing to do things like stick his head in a dry cleaning bag and struggle to get out. I can’t find photos of this occurrence, and it is currently one of my biggest regrets.
The thing about Tom Hanks is… I wish I were him. Not even in the high-paid, award-winning, rich actor sense. More in the… I can’t believe he is so perfect and good to everyone sense and I wish I were that good of a person too. What!? How does he manage this? How can one person be so charismatic, charming, endearing, and otherwise enchanting? It would almost seem unfair, except he is so fucking good that all I can do is love him and rent all of his movies.
What would Tom Hanks do?
Probably win two Oscars.
Previously, I mentioned my annoyance towards Psychology Today.
Today, I remain annoyed with Psychology Today, but for entirely new reasons.
Psychology Today has most recently taken it upon themselves to enlighten we dullards about the concept of beauty.
The magazine astutely points out that men like hot chicks. Apparently those who thought men didn’t like hot chicks were wrong!
While we wish things were different, we’d best accept the ugly reality: No man will turn his head to ogle a woman because she looks like the type to buy a turkey sandwich for a homeless man or read to the blind.
In an interesting study, Amy Alkon goes on and on about the subject of beauty. Hey folks! Men like fertile women, so you know, like young women with big eyes, clear skin, and child bearing hips. So if you want to get laid (and be worth anything in our society) then you better get some fucking eyeliner and a belt to accentuate your waist!
But looks matter a great deal. The more attractive the woman is, the wider her pool of romantic partners and range of opportunities in her work and day-to-day life. We all know this, and numerous studies confirm it—it’s just heresy to say so.
What if you don’t give a shit about men? Well, too bad, still. Even though you are clearly a hairy feminist, you will still suffer the harsh reality of never getting a job or, frankly, the respect of other human beings.
Last, even if you have a boyfriend, apparently you should still be worried!!!!! (He will probably leave you for someone hotter.)
A woman needs to come up with a workable routine for maintaining her looks throughout her lifetime and avoid rationalizing slacking off— while she’s seeking a man and after she has one. Yeah, you might have to put five or ten extra minutes into prettying up just to hang around the house. And, sure, you might be more “comfortable” in big sloppy sweats, but how “comfortable” will you be if he leaves you for a woman who cares enough to look hot for him?
In any case, you can read the article and decide its worth for yourself. As for me, here is a functional list of bullet points as to why I find this infuriating enough to blog about:
- NO FUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE. People are attracted to “attractive” people. You really needed a field of “science” to figure that out?
- The tone of it is more appropriate for Cosmopolitan, with it’s condescending conclusions. Really, Psychology Today? I guess you just won’t be happy until you join the crowd of marketing trash aimed at making women feel like worthless pieces of shit.
- The whole thing about “why don’t you just fucking take five minutes and put on some goddamn eyeliner” bit upsets me as well. Honestly, I do fucking love sweats, and so fuck you. I don’t want to be with a man who can’t appreciate me for anything except how I look. In my estimation, if I am with a man who can’t stand to see me without makeup and skanky clothes, then I am not with a great man. I am probably with a shallow asshole. Instead, I prefer the company of men who are, you know, genuine human beings who understand women have personalities and aren’t just fucking walking sex dolls. If “my man leaves” because I am thinking about other things than makeup, then honestly, good riddance.
- This article can go to hell. I understand that she concludes with some bullshit remark about, “just put on a little makeup and make an effort, but don’t go overboard” but it’s still obnoxious shit that continues to perpetuate something all women are already hyper-sensitive and self-conscious about to begin with. This article does not enlighten anyone or shed light on any relevant issues that women might have been previously uninformed about. Instead it just re-instills a previously existing anxiety in women to be valuable to men before they consider being valuable to themselves. FUCK THAT NOISE.
- Last, fuck this article in the fucking butt, because the woman who wrote it looks like this:
And while Hanks said he “won the lottery” with wife Rita Wilson and “wouldn’t even bother with anyone else,” some of the other “Big Love” stars already have a few men in mind for multiple marriages.
“Ewan McGregor, Ryan Gosling and Tom Hanks,” Amanda Seyfried said. “Tom is as funny as hell.”