I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t claim to want to connect to other human beings. This is probably because I sometimes engage in social activities, and by their inherent nature it seems the others involved also have a predilection for various forms of communication.
However, I’ve noticed that my understanding of what it means to “get to know” others has been wildly off base.
You see, I was under the misconception that we are alive to understand those around us. I thought, incorrectly, that I was supposed to listen to what others have to say and ask questions. I mistakenly believed that if I took in other people’s stories, opinions, and impressions of the world then I would learn more about what it means to be human. Perhaps my biggest problem — I thought that if I attempted to share certain experiences with those I encountered — by helping them or showing them some basic level of respect, that my bonds would become deeper and more meaningful.
It seems this is not the case. I didn’t realize it until recently, but the point of being alive is to talk about yourself as much as possible. It doesn’t matter if you understand or know anything about anyone else, so long as they know explicit and important details about you. This is why the best people in life are famous. Everyone knows everything about them but they are not burdened with having to know anything about anyone else.
As for helping people, forget it. It’ll never matter. Instead, try to promote yourself in all cases. Never, ever put anyone before yourself. This is a sign of weakness. Only do things that are both convenient for you and sure to bring about more attention for yourself.
Helping people can be a tricky matter, but I’ve finally come to a realistic understanding of what it really means to “be there” for someone. Never offer sincere, thoughtful advice. This probably means you’ve been listening to the other person, and therefore not talking about yourself enough. Instead, do speak about yourself constantly but thinly veil your comments as things that could apply to the other person. For example, if you are lonely and miserable, and a friend is looking for “relationship” advice, inform them that all men are douchebags and that dating in LA is super hard. In this way, you are reflecting the reality of your world, and enforcing it upon theirs. Also, in talking about yourself when offering others “help,” you are simultaneously validating your own experiences, which is the whole point of being alive. Talking about you and what you’ve been through.
Other tid bits:
- If you haven’t spoken to someone in a while, but need something from them, ask for it anyway.
- Be aloof and indifferent towards everyone. This will make you seem mysterious, and also protect you from anyone who might have wanted to talk about themselves to you.
- Be flaky. If you show up to things when you say you will, people will think you have nothing better to do. Instead, over-promise and under-deliver. This will make you seem important, and again, your absence will prevent you from having to do anything for anyone else except you. Only do things if they are both highly convenient and means of promoting yourself efficiently.
- As far as romantic relations go, fuck ’em and leave ’em. Duh. A real relationship just means that someone else will be competing with you to talk about themselves all the time, and no one needs that.
- Never let anyone make a choice you disagree with, even about where to eat for dinner. Forget compromise. It’s your way or the highway.
- Be weird and refuse to make eye contact with people unless they are engaging in a conversation about yourself. This is along the same lines of being aloof and indifferent, but just more specific and effective.
- Act like you’re the shit all the time, even if you secretly aren’t. Arrogance is just a better word for confidence.
- Exclude others in activities, especially if their presence or interests are inconvenient to your own prerogatives. This isn’t about them having fun too, it’s about you being awesome and better than everyone else.
- If you think someone might be better at you at something, treat them like shit so that they feel bad and give up. Then you can climb the ladder of success without anyone getting in the way. This is especially effective if you are manipulative and passive-aggressive. This way you can get your way all the time without initiating confrontation. If someone does try to accuse you of something, you can deflect their comments and tell them they’re crazy.
- If people don’t do things for you all the time or if they ignore you in anyway, berate them for their poor behavior so they realize their mistakes and pay more attention next time.
- If for some reason you do have to talk about other people, be sure just to bring up their flaws. This way, people will be reminded of how much better you are than said other person and listen more to what you have to say about yourself.
- TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. If someone brings up anything, turn this topic into one that is about yourself. This shouldn’t be hard, since you are clearly an interesting and well-rounded person. However, if you find yourself in a rut where someone has the center stage and is talking about themselves, then just say some random non sequitur that has nothing to do with anything (except yourself). For example, if someone is going on and on about their dead mom, bring up some more pleasant fact like, “Oh, so I just bought a new dress.”
Ultimately this list might seem redundant, yet limited. There are a slew of other qualities you can have to ensure that you live a happy, fulfilling life in which you can really connect with other people. However, the basic theory remains the same in all cases: MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.
(I acknowledge that this post reads like it could have been written by someone with Aspergers, but apparently I’m not normal so I guess it’s appropriate.)