Boyfriend: Your last couple of blog posts make you seem like you’re on crystal meth.
To continue this theme, I have made another vlog. In this one, I discuss how I am so fucking interesting.
Me: I can’t believe you don’t remember that. I was talking about it constantly.
My Boyfriend: Yeah, but you were talking about a lot of things constantly.
Every once in a while I’ll find a song that I fall in love with. Like, I listen to it 80 times in a row (no exaggeration) and I start to feel like I have OCD or something, until at some point I’ve played the song way too many times and I realized I’ve sucked all the magic out of it.
Here is that song for the moment of August 23, 2010:
Back in the day, college was all about toga parties and binge drinking until your liver burst into flame. Nowadays, it’s more about all-nighters hopped up on Ritalin so your GPA can justify spending 40 grand a year. But all those exhausting classes, internships and research projects have to count for something, right? According to researchers: They do. All that effort adds up to a depressed and miserable life.
Meanwhile, skipping out on all that misery might just help you live longer than those Einsteins who don’t.
So How is This Helpful?
The Curtin Institute of Technology discovered that the more education you have, the more you’re at risk of becoming disillusioned with life. Sinking into a soul-crushing depression is just one of the ultra-fun side effects of higher education, along with a more stressful lifestyle and unmanageable financial debt. Higher education is pretty much like Christmas Day if you expect to get a pony, but instead you discover you’re trapped in a Dilbert cartoon, and also there is no pony. Only thousands of dollars of debt in a pony shaped stocking.
If that isn’t enough to drive you to the nearest Everclear bottle, another study showed that more intelligent people have less sex. The study, which does come with the important warning that a lobotomy won’t make you a sex god, shows that having higher test results means you’re not getting lucky tonight, or any time soon. So school is basically an epic anti-aphrodisiac, with the average moron getting more lovin’ than the smart guys.
Today the internet taught me several things about my life that I was unaware of.
First, I apparently live in the second most stressful city in America.
They attribute this stress to unemployment, long commutes, and long work hours. Makes sense, right?
This one says that people my age are fucking unemployed losers who can’t even bother to get married and reproduce. This also sounds pretty accurate.
Apparently, a potential solution to all of this stress and floundering is to take hard core drugs.
So it all makes sense now. My lack of progress is no fault of mine or the economy’s. I simply am a 22 year-old-girl in the stage of “emerging adolescence” who hasn’t moved to a different city yet or taken enough LSD to get over her anxiety.
Backstory: I was purchasing one matinee ticket to see Flipped, a PG movie.
Me: Hi, one ticket for Flipped at 4:30
Him: Okay. How old are you?
Him: How old are you?
Him: How old are you?
Me: Uhh, 22, why?
Him: Oh. I was just wondering if I should charge you for a child’s ticket. But you’re older than me.
I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t claim to want to connect to other human beings. This is probably because I sometimes engage in social activities, and by their inherent nature it seems the others involved also have a predilection for various forms of communication.
However, I’ve noticed that my understanding of what it means to “get to know” others has been wildly off base.
You see, I was under the misconception that we are alive to understand those around us. I thought, incorrectly, that I was supposed to listen to what others have to say and ask questions. I mistakenly believed that if I took in other people’s stories, opinions, and impressions of the world then I would learn more about what it means to be human. Perhaps my biggest problem — I thought that if I attempted to share certain experiences with those I encountered — by helping them or showing them some basic level of respect, that my bonds would become deeper and more meaningful.
It seems this is not the case. I didn’t realize it until recently, but the point of being alive is to talk about yourself as much as possible. It doesn’t matter if you understand or know anything about anyone else, so long as they know explicit and important details about you. This is why the best people in life are famous. Everyone knows everything about them but they are not burdened with having to know anything about anyone else.
As for helping people, forget it. It’ll never matter. Instead, try to promote yourself in all cases. Never, ever put anyone before yourself. This is a sign of weakness. Only do things that are both convenient for you and sure to bring about more attention for yourself.
Helping people can be a tricky matter, but I’ve finally come to a realistic understanding of what it really means to “be there” for someone. Never offer sincere, thoughtful advice. This probably means you’ve been listening to the other person, and therefore not talking about yourself enough. Instead, do speak about yourself constantly but thinly veil your comments as things that could apply to the other person. For example, if you are lonely and miserable, and a friend is looking for “relationship” advice, inform them that all men are douchebags and that dating in LA is super hard. In this way, you are reflecting the reality of your world, and enforcing it upon theirs. Also, in talking about yourself when offering others “help,” you are simultaneously validating your own experiences, which is the whole point of being alive. Talking about you and what you’ve been through.
Other tid bits:
- If you haven’t spoken to someone in a while, but need something from them, ask for it anyway.
- Be aloof and indifferent towards everyone. This will make you seem mysterious, and also protect you from anyone who might have wanted to talk about themselves to you.
- Be flaky. If you show up to things when you say you will, people will think you have nothing better to do. Instead, over-promise and under-deliver. This will make you seem important, and again, your absence will prevent you from having to do anything for anyone else except you. Only do things if they are both highly convenient and means of promoting yourself efficiently.
- As far as romantic relations go, fuck ’em and leave ’em. Duh. A real relationship just means that someone else will be competing with you to talk about themselves all the time, and no one needs that.
- Never let anyone make a choice you disagree with, even about where to eat for dinner. Forget compromise. It’s your way or the highway.
- Be weird and refuse to make eye contact with people unless they are engaging in a conversation about yourself. This is along the same lines of being aloof and indifferent, but just more specific and effective.
- Act like you’re the shit all the time, even if you secretly aren’t. Arrogance is just a better word for confidence.
- Exclude others in activities, especially if their presence or interests are inconvenient to your own prerogatives. This isn’t about them having fun too, it’s about you being awesome and better than everyone else.
- If you think someone might be better at you at something, treat them like shit so that they feel bad and give up. Then you can climb the ladder of success without anyone getting in the way. This is especially effective if you are manipulative and passive-aggressive. This way you can get your way all the time without initiating confrontation. If someone does try to accuse you of something, you can deflect their comments and tell them they’re crazy.
- If people don’t do things for you all the time or if they ignore you in anyway, berate them for their poor behavior so they realize their mistakes and pay more attention next time.
- If for some reason you do have to talk about other people, be sure just to bring up their flaws. This way, people will be reminded of how much better you are than said other person and listen more to what you have to say about yourself.
- TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. If someone brings up anything, turn this topic into one that is about yourself. This shouldn’t be hard, since you are clearly an interesting and well-rounded person. However, if you find yourself in a rut where someone has the center stage and is talking about themselves, then just say some random non sequitur that has nothing to do with anything (except yourself). For example, if someone is going on and on about their dead mom, bring up some more pleasant fact like, “Oh, so I just bought a new dress.”
Ultimately this list might seem redundant, yet limited. There are a slew of other qualities you can have to ensure that you live a happy, fulfilling life in which you can really connect with other people. However, the basic theory remains the same in all cases: MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.
(I acknowledge that this post reads like it could have been written by someone with Aspergers, but apparently I’m not normal so I guess it’s appropriate.)