Secrets to Life

Hey kids. Now I know, you’ve been surfing the internet for hours looking for the answers. How do I get what I want in life? How can I get everyone I meet to like me? Lucky for you, you’ve stumbled upon some random blog that just happens to be written by an extreme genius. I know pretty much everything there is to know about acquiring fame and/or fortune thus enabling you to finally be happy. Here are some secrets to (a successful) life. If you can learn and incorporate these strategies into your day-to-day activities and interactions then you’re sure to at least have friends and probably get that promotion (in two simple steps).


“Acting? Pshaw!,” you say, “I want to be a corporate executive, surely acting has nothing to do with me?” Or, “Yeah, It’d be cool to be the lead opposite Jessica Alba, but I just don’t see it happening for myself. Isn’t that a waste of time?”

Well, no. First, if you want to be happy, you should probably pursue a career in acting no matter what. Someone French once said, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” Hopefully your answer to that rhetorical question is, “become an A-List celebrity!” However, even if it isn’t, I can understand. Maybe you’re ugly! This is God’s fault, and understandably you come from a disadvantaged place. Maybe becoming an A-List celebrity seems impractical to you.

However, I am here to tell you that even the ugliest of us all can become what they call, “character actors.” Just look at Snookie from Jersey Shore. Acting classes can benefit anyone in this way, because there is always a need for someone to be ridiculous and easy to laugh at.

But, okay, okay. Somehow, maybe you just have no interest in the entertainment industry. Although foolish (people only like famous people or people who know famous people), this is a sentiment shared by 10% of the population, so you are not alone. Nonetheless, an acting class can still benefit you.

The person you are hardly matters. What does matter is the person other people think you are.

Here’s a (limited) list of qualities no one should have:

-Bad breath
-Too emotional
-High strung/Controlling

Chances are, if you are alive, and especially if you are a woman, you have at least one if not more of these qualities. And without doubt, there are people who dislike you because you do inhabit one, if not many, of these negative qualities.

“They’re no picnic in the park themselves,” you say, “why should I be any different?”

It doesn’t matter how they are. They don’t care that they themselves are flawed. What matters most is that you are flawed. And don’t play coy, you want their attention and you want them to like you. And even if you don’t really care if they like you, there is definitely something you want from them. They can get you a job, or they can introduce you to someone you do like, or they are still another human being existing in this world who has the potential to like you and make you seem more worthwhile.

Thus, it is crucial that this person like you. And how are they going to like you? Not if you continue to be the miserable asshole you are. No, instead you are going to have to be perfect.

“I can’t be perfect,” you say, “that’s impossible. No one is.”

Fair enough. You aren’t that great, it’s true. And this is where acting comes in. Fake it ’til you make it. (You’ll never actually make it, so be sure to be great at faking it.) In learning how to embody another character (one who is a more likable human being than the one you are) you can get exactly what you want.

Learning how to smile and pretend to appreciate other people is probably one of the first things you will learn. These are indeed great skills. And overall, the more you can suffocate your real thoughts and feelings and replace them with those of a happy and interesting individual, the more people will actually want to talk to you. The better an actor you are, the easier this will be, and the more you can manipulate and con your way through life getting people to like you and then give you things you want.


The only thing that really matters in life is advertisement. If you can understand and execute the philosophies of marketing, then you’re set.

“What about family and friends?” you wonder, “aren’t those the things that really matter?”

Friends come and go, but they usually go. Family dies and the only way you’ll ever create your own is if you find a person who wants to bone you, and even then you’re going to want to trick them into staying around long enough to help raise the kids (who might eventually grow up and realize they have a lot of reason to despise you).

Now, this might all seem “pessimistic” and “negative,” but those are just terms created by people in denial to hide from the truth. In fact, the above scenario is merely realistic.

“Okay, fine, I see your point, but what does this have to do with marketing? How is that going to help me avoid the inevitable tragedy of life?”

Marketing is your savior my friend, and here is why. Friends and family do matter. Careers do matter. But humans are fickle things. Consider the following:

I come up to you, having just met you and ask, “Can I have a hundred dollars?”

Unless you are amazingly generous, or retarded, which you probably aren’t, the answer is no.

Another, similar scenario; I come up to you, having just met you, and ask, “Will you marry me?”

Well, in this instance the answer would probably be yes, because I am stunningly beautiful. But, looks aside, you might be hesitant.

Why is this? Because people don’t give you things in this life without expecting something in return. You might give me a hundred dollars if I offered to babysit your kids in return. You might agree to marry me if you had known me for a period of time and come to the understanding that I could act as a sufficient replacement for your mother. Or, you might marry me because I would give you the gift of being able to look at me for the rest of your life.

This is where marketing comes in. To get what you want you have to be savvy and know what people want in return. Advertising yourself properly is key to your success. If you are valuable and invaluable to others, then you will have a much easier time getting what you want from them.

“I’m not really all that great though, what do I do?” you ask.

No worries. Marketing will save you. Think about any product, say, a shitty salad from Carl’s Jr. This salad is comprised of wilted lettuce, rotten apples, and cheap, mass-produced dressing. Doesn’t sound so appetizing, right?

How about now?

The reality is, most things in this world are shit. However, by creating a fantasy-version of that product you can entice people into wasting their money on it. You can do the same for yourself. If you advertise yourself as worthwhile and interesting, then chances are enough people will fall for it to give you the ability to charge more for yourself than you are worth. And by charge I don’t necessarily mean prostitution, although for that the same rules apply. Instead I mean that you can ask for more than you deserve. Learning how to act can help with your ability to advertise yourself, but knowing how to brand yourself is also crucial.

This is why terms like “jock,” “nerd,” “hottie,” and “goth” have become important parts of our culture. They are easy labels that give people a good understanding of what they can expect from you. Clothes are also important to this process. Your body and face are mutable, and can be presented in an infinite amount of ways. Even ugly people can try to pretend to be pretty thanks to make up and plastic surgery. Thus, it is important that you take the time to brand yourself and present yourself in the way you want the world to see you. What do you want from the world? What will the world expect from you in turn? Knowing the answers to these questions should guide you in your future marketing strategies.

Thus, in just two easy steps, learning to act and learning how to market yourself, you too can be the person other people want you to be, thus ensuring a life of fame, fortune, and clearly happiness.


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