Hello World,

I feel happy, and therefore there is not much to say. I briefly started to worry that perhaps my writer’s block has been caused by the lack of tension in my life, but then because I was worrying about not worrying this seemed to create enough tension to inspire at least a few words. I can now see how anxiety is a great mode of survival.

And I must admit, although my life currently has great friends and jacuzzis, it also has unemployment and doctor appointments. The doctor appointment proved to do me no good. I was only provided with an unnecessary block of time in a white room during which I was able continue my existential crisis and focus on negative aspects of my life like my lack of employment. I was also told that I probably still have the same ol’ diseases I’ve had for a while and that there’s nothing I can do about it except hope it goes away on its own. Great, thanks a lot science.

I do sort of have a job, and while it pays high in experience the monetary gain is somewhat sporadic. I love my job, but then I sometimes feel outside pressure from various sources (maybe just my own neurosis) to get a “real” job. You know, like somehow working at Starbucks is a better idea than working at your dream job. But it is, because Starbucks pays and my dream jobs don’t. It’s all about the $$$. But in a way, it sort of is. I am perhaps a burden on society because I’m a grump who lives with her parents and eats a lot. What meager paychecks I earn are spent on improv, in which the biggest thing I learn is that I need to be more confident in my choices. And then I go back to regular life and remain not confident about my career and its direction, or seeming lack thereof.

Anyway, I guess I’ve stopped seeing a point of sitting in this slump. Yeah, I’ll be confident in my choices! Surely there must be an easy solution to my lack of life purpose. Shitty economies are no excuse! Here are three new life plans, but I’m probably going to combine 2 + 3.

1. Marry rich.

Unlikely, I just watched Millionaire Matchmaker and was disturbed with what I saw. Maybe you can see why.





2. Be a motherfuckin’ DISNEY PRINCESS IN TOKYO.

Out of the employment possibilities I’ve come up with, this one somehow seems to be the most plausible. Granted, I should maybe shave off 5-10 pounds and get whiter teeth, but otherwise I am confident I could pull off Alice, or probably Cinderella? There are auditions in LA coming up and if I were to be selected I’d have a 6-8 month contract at Dland Tokyo with free flight / apartment and some extra $$$ coming in. Not to mention, I actually looked it up and there is a bad improv scene in Tokyo run by American expatriates who want attention like I do and plus lots of weird video games like karaoke. Also I imagine the experience would be pretty much exactly like Lost in Translation which means I’d have an emotional affair with Bill Murray and then return to my life in America somewhat changed and I could tell people I “found myself” in Tokyo. FOOL PROOF.

3. Be a Second Grade Teacher!

After watching Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend, I learned a lot about love… how to love a delicious cheeseburger that is! We went to Umami Burger afterward which proved to be absolutely delicious. I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. I want to try their different kinds of burgers, especially the Truffle Burger!?!? The other thing was that Jennifer Garner was in that movie as a fifth grade teacher, and for some reason that image stuck in my head.

Next thing I know, I decided it would be a pretty smart idea to teach small children. I figured it’s still a similar concept to being a Disney Princess; interacting with small children while wearing pretty dresses.

Plus, I was having an existential crisis about life purpose and what it means to contribute to society and what pursuits are worthwhile versus which ones are self-indulgent, etc. etc. Ultimately it seems all life pursuits are self-indulgent to some extent, but I suppose my pretentious background still encourages me to “contribute” to society in some way. So again, I figured, educating stupider members of society like seven-year-olds is probably not a bad idea. Plus, how hard can it be!?

So I figured I’d get my teaching credentials and then get a job at a cute elementary school in a suburb of either Los Angeles or San Diego (warm and sunny but still cute and suburban) and get an apartment with my boyfriend (who will be in the film biz, which is something fun I can talk to with the parents of my pupils). We’d share our home with a beagle or some other kind of small / sweet dog and its name would be Milo or Reed. Something white and suburban that sounds like it could be the name of my baby, and then my eventual baby will either be Milo or Reed depending on which name we used up on the dog.

I would spend pretty much my entire income at Anthropologie, some of it on kitschy stuff for the apartment but most of it on expensive dresses that make me look like an elementary grade teacher ala the look Emma pulls off in Glee. The rest of my money would be spent on pot which I would smoke regularly.

During this phase of my life, I would write a book, probably something in the vein of David Sedaris meets The Lovely Bones. This book would then be published because one of my favorite student’s father’s brother is a literary agent. My novel would take off and send me launching into literary fame, thus ending my career as a second grade teacher. I would have to devote my time thereon out to writing more prose, thus resulting in my appearance on Oprah as the newest addition to her Book Club.

And then I would probably travel and stuff. I don’t know. I never got to retirement. So anyway. Most of these life plans and strategies are pretty much solid. I just need to pick one. You can vote.


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