Archive | February 2010

Hipster Wife Hunting

Check it out, Ch-check it out:

HIPSTER WIFE HUNTING!

There are only three things in this world that I love: hipsters, wives, and hunting. Way to combine all three, am I right!?

The following is my own submission.

Nickname: J-Digs

Age: 21

City: Los Angeles, CA

Top 5 Favorite Albums:
Top 5 albums are so passé. Life is an album.

What band would play at your ideal wedding?
The Beatles. Someone go back in time and get them, assholes. It’s my wedding!!!!!

If you had a kid, what would be the first song you played for it?
I’m not some pretentious douchebag, it’s a fucking baby. I’ll just put on Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (covered by Radiohead on vinyl).

What decade are you most nostalgic for and why?
Nostalgia is a denial of the present. I am nostalgic for now.

What’s your favorite venue?
Honestly, the woods.

What qualities do you possess that would make you an ideal hipster wife?
Ideals are our own subjective inventions, and qualities are also illusory. I possess that which I believe I am and those which others can reflect into and upon me.

What do you look for in a potential hipster husband?
Big dick.

Dogs.

My love for dogs almost knows no bounds. In fact, I am frequently of the opinion that I prefer dogs to humans. (Except for when humans give me expensive presents, which is an ability all dogs lack.)

Humans are unfortunate creatures that have a bad habit of creating and dwelling in their own misery. Unfortunately I am not above this cliche. However, dogs (usually) are.

In my own life I will confess that, when you boil it down, all I want is affection and love. If this means people patting me on the back for being famous and beautiful, then so be it.

I want people to like me in the same way people like Mary Poppins. “Practically perfect in every way.” I want to be able to say or do anything and have it be viewed as brilliant and magical.

I want to be the Tom Hanks of life: easily likable, hardly ever controversial, and unquestionably talented.

If Mary Poppins got pissed off or bitter or upset for some reason, people would be like, “Oh shit, what did we do wrong?” This is because Mary Poppins is always right. Clearly any grievance she suffers is not due to her own negative way of thinking, but because other people are not as good as she is. This seems to be widely accepted, and it’s a fact I would like to be applied to my own life.

Similarly, if Tom Hanks felt depressed because he was filled with some self-doubt about his ability to act and provide for his family, a whole flock of American citizens would rush to his side to soothe and support him in his time of need. “Tom, you’re the best, don’t let anyone tell you differently.” In fact, Tom’s depression (should this unlikely event occur) might even be seen as somewhat “endearing” and “down-to-earth.” “He’s so connected to real life,” people might muse, “and anyone who is out to get Tom Hanks is a fucking asshole. Let’s give him another lead role in Charlie Wilson’s War 2.”

Ultimately this is a convoluted way of admitting I am no different than most people. I want attention, to be viewed positively, and be beloved by all.

People are rarely able to fill these needs. People will like me, sure, but in general if I become grumpy, bitter, and/or angry then this is somewhat of a turn off. People don’t like hanging out with miserable people. The other unfortunate thing about people is many feel similar to how I do. They also want to be important and loved, and sometimes these truths create conflicting interests. We can’t both be Mary Poppins, especially considering neither of us actually are faultless.

Dogs, however, will stick around no matter the mood. Dogs are also accommodating. If I want to spend five hours bitching to a dog about how terrible my day is, the dog will listen attentively and lick my tears (because they are salty). A person might tell me to “suck it up” or “let it go,” and they would be right. But that is the wonderful thing about dogs: they can’t talk or offer (true) criticisms.

Dogs want to eat, and this simple fact alone is usually enough to have me be the most important person in their life. Dogs are much more apt to accept that I am the alpha dog in their life. Facts are facts and there’s no reason for dogs to “compete” with me to steal that title away from me. Instead they will provide love and affection and worship me as they should.

The best thing about dogs though is their unwavering ability to accept me as I am. No dog would bother to encourage me to be the best version of myself I can be, and this is a relief. Becoming a better, more mature individual is hard work. Having realistic expectations of people and things requires a reasonable view of life that accounts for the fact that I won’t always get exactly what I want. Learning to be a happier person requires the ability to find validation from within myself instead of relying on outside people and factors to provide it for me. A person in my life might point out this fact, or refuse to provide the validation I crave with insults or even indifference. Dogs would never expect this of me. They would lie on my lap if I demanded it and be happy to do so. Dogs would light up when they see me no matter what. If I asked a dog to give me compliments then it would not refuse, but instead would bark in approval of my greatness. Dogs are loyal and for this reason maybe they are stupid. I probably don’t even deserve to have my selfish, insecure needs fulfilled by an unquestioning creature. There is probably a lot of truth in the fact that a strong, happy, and self-assured person would be able to provide the love and affection they crave for themselves without demanding it of the world. But until I learn how to be more perfect I am still pleased that dogs (and, admittedly, some friends who are supportive, generous, and loving) are around. They make it easier.

Business

I want to keep writing but I’m blank right now.

You’ve had to acknowledge your deepest insecurities recently, which may have left you feeling rather vulnerable and exposed. We can only change what we acknowledge and in welcoming “in” the truth, you’re actually liberating yourself to experience a deeper surrender. Be in no denial about that which needs healing.You have nothing to fear and your dream of deeper intimacy or greater financial solvency are not a far fetched dream. Nor do you have to give up on your personal dreams to please another. As you evolve to an understanding of your own power and worth. You can ask for what you want and need without feeling guilty. If you keep a open dialogue you are more than likely to increase your level of trust. Giving you a firm footing as you start over with a deeply intimate or financial situation. As the dust settles, there’s a sweeter hope dawning.

What is Dragging Me?

“I am unhappy because I am not perfect. I want to be better than everyone else. I want to be unique and I do not know that I am unique! I want to be unique by being “better” – this is a false premise. This feeling keeps me in a state of tension which I seem to enjoy. As long as I enjoy this tension, I cannot be creative. Use the tension instead of enjoying it. Go through the pain rather than sitting on it for truly creative productivity.

I have to make a greater effort to take better care of myself beginning with my body and my eating habits.

*I don’t like where I’m at now (that I’m not perfect) and instead I want to be there (God State) now. I don’t want to work for this because I know deep down inside that I never can be God-like, so, though I don’t give up, I never work really for what I can do – namely MY BEST. And this way I get into the comparing state which is Death because as soon as I start to compare myself I lose my uniqueness. I can only do mine and what is in me and the more I know myself, this self will then come out in my work.”

— a poster hanging up in the office.

Secrets to Life

Hey kids. Now I know, you’ve been surfing the internet for hours looking for the answers. How do I get what I want in life? How can I get everyone I meet to like me? Lucky for you, you’ve stumbled upon some random blog that just happens to be written by an extreme genius. I know pretty much everything there is to know about acquiring fame and/or fortune thus enabling you to finally be happy. Here are some secrets to (a successful) life. If you can learn and incorporate these strategies into your day-to-day activities and interactions then you’re sure to at least have friends and probably get that promotion (in two simple steps).

TAKE AN ACTING CLASS

“Acting? Pshaw!,” you say, “I want to be a corporate executive, surely acting has nothing to do with me?” Or, “Yeah, It’d be cool to be the lead opposite Jessica Alba, but I just don’t see it happening for myself. Isn’t that a waste of time?”

Well, no. First, if you want to be happy, you should probably pursue a career in acting no matter what. Someone French once said, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” Hopefully your answer to that rhetorical question is, “become an A-List celebrity!” However, even if it isn’t, I can understand. Maybe you’re ugly! This is God’s fault, and understandably you come from a disadvantaged place. Maybe becoming an A-List celebrity seems impractical to you.

However, I am here to tell you that even the ugliest of us all can become what they call, “character actors.” Just look at Snookie from Jersey Shore. Acting classes can benefit anyone in this way, because there is always a need for someone to be ridiculous and easy to laugh at.

But, okay, okay. Somehow, maybe you just have no interest in the entertainment industry. Although foolish (people only like famous people or people who know famous people), this is a sentiment shared by 10% of the population, so you are not alone. Nonetheless, an acting class can still benefit you.

The person you are hardly matters. What does matter is the person other people think you are.

Here’s a (limited) list of qualities no one should have:

-Anxiety
-Insecurity
-Bad breath
-Awkwardness
-Depression
-Too emotional
-Needy/Clingy
-High strung/Controlling
-Lazy/Messy
-Demanding
-Etc.

Chances are, if you are alive, and especially if you are a woman, you have at least one if not more of these qualities. And without doubt, there are people who dislike you because you do inhabit one, if not many, of these negative qualities.

“They’re no picnic in the park themselves,” you say, “why should I be any different?”

It doesn’t matter how they are. They don’t care that they themselves are flawed. What matters most is that you are flawed. And don’t play coy, you want their attention and you want them to like you. And even if you don’t really care if they like you, there is definitely something you want from them. They can get you a job, or they can introduce you to someone you do like, or they are still another human being existing in this world who has the potential to like you and make you seem more worthwhile.

Thus, it is crucial that this person like you. And how are they going to like you? Not if you continue to be the miserable asshole you are. No, instead you are going to have to be perfect.

“I can’t be perfect,” you say, “that’s impossible. No one is.”

Fair enough. You aren’t that great, it’s true. And this is where acting comes in. Fake it ’til you make it. (You’ll never actually make it, so be sure to be great at faking it.) In learning how to embody another character (one who is a more likable human being than the one you are) you can get exactly what you want.

Learning how to smile and pretend to appreciate other people is probably one of the first things you will learn. These are indeed great skills. And overall, the more you can suffocate your real thoughts and feelings and replace them with those of a happy and interesting individual, the more people will actually want to talk to you. The better an actor you are, the easier this will be, and the more you can manipulate and con your way through life getting people to like you and then give you things you want.

TAKE A MARKETING CLASS

The only thing that really matters in life is advertisement. If you can understand and execute the philosophies of marketing, then you’re set.

“What about family and friends?” you wonder, “aren’t those the things that really matter?”

Friends come and go, but they usually go. Family dies and the only way you’ll ever create your own is if you find a person who wants to bone you, and even then you’re going to want to trick them into staying around long enough to help raise the kids (who might eventually grow up and realize they have a lot of reason to despise you).

Now, this might all seem “pessimistic” and “negative,” but those are just terms created by people in denial to hide from the truth. In fact, the above scenario is merely realistic.

“Okay, fine, I see your point, but what does this have to do with marketing? How is that going to help me avoid the inevitable tragedy of life?”

Marketing is your savior my friend, and here is why. Friends and family do matter. Careers do matter. But humans are fickle things. Consider the following:

I come up to you, having just met you and ask, “Can I have a hundred dollars?”

Unless you are amazingly generous, or retarded, which you probably aren’t, the answer is no.

Another, similar scenario; I come up to you, having just met you, and ask, “Will you marry me?”

Well, in this instance the answer would probably be yes, because I am stunningly beautiful. But, looks aside, you might be hesitant.

Why is this? Because people don’t give you things in this life without expecting something in return. You might give me a hundred dollars if I offered to babysit your kids in return. You might agree to marry me if you had known me for a period of time and come to the understanding that I could act as a sufficient replacement for your mother. Or, you might marry me because I would give you the gift of being able to look at me for the rest of your life.

This is where marketing comes in. To get what you want you have to be savvy and know what people want in return. Advertising yourself properly is key to your success. If you are valuable and invaluable to others, then you will have a much easier time getting what you want from them.

“I’m not really all that great though, what do I do?” you ask.

No worries. Marketing will save you. Think about any product, say, a shitty salad from Carl’s Jr. This salad is comprised of wilted lettuce, rotten apples, and cheap, mass-produced dressing. Doesn’t sound so appetizing, right?

How about now?

The reality is, most things in this world are shit. However, by creating a fantasy-version of that product you can entice people into wasting their money on it. You can do the same for yourself. If you advertise yourself as worthwhile and interesting, then chances are enough people will fall for it to give you the ability to charge more for yourself than you are worth. And by charge I don’t necessarily mean prostitution, although for that the same rules apply. Instead I mean that you can ask for more than you deserve. Learning how to act can help with your ability to advertise yourself, but knowing how to brand yourself is also crucial.

This is why terms like “jock,” “nerd,” “hottie,” and “goth” have become important parts of our culture. They are easy labels that give people a good understanding of what they can expect from you. Clothes are also important to this process. Your body and face are mutable, and can be presented in an infinite amount of ways. Even ugly people can try to pretend to be pretty thanks to make up and plastic surgery. Thus, it is important that you take the time to brand yourself and present yourself in the way you want the world to see you. What do you want from the world? What will the world expect from you in turn? Knowing the answers to these questions should guide you in your future marketing strategies.

Thus, in just two easy steps, learning to act and learning how to market yourself, you too can be the person other people want you to be, thus ensuring a life of fame, fortune, and clearly happiness.

Fantasy

Hello World,

I feel happy, and therefore there is not much to say. I briefly started to worry that perhaps my writer’s block has been caused by the lack of tension in my life, but then because I was worrying about not worrying this seemed to create enough tension to inspire at least a few words. I can now see how anxiety is a great mode of survival.

And I must admit, although my life currently has great friends and jacuzzis, it also has unemployment and doctor appointments. The doctor appointment proved to do me no good. I was only provided with an unnecessary block of time in a white room during which I was able continue my existential crisis and focus on negative aspects of my life like my lack of employment. I was also told that I probably still have the same ol’ diseases I’ve had for a while and that there’s nothing I can do about it except hope it goes away on its own. Great, thanks a lot science.

I do sort of have a job, and while it pays high in experience the monetary gain is somewhat sporadic. I love my job, but then I sometimes feel outside pressure from various sources (maybe just my own neurosis) to get a “real” job. You know, like somehow working at Starbucks is a better idea than working at your dream job. But it is, because Starbucks pays and my dream jobs don’t. It’s all about the $$$. But in a way, it sort of is. I am perhaps a burden on society because I’m a grump who lives with her parents and eats a lot. What meager paychecks I earn are spent on improv, in which the biggest thing I learn is that I need to be more confident in my choices. And then I go back to regular life and remain not confident about my career and its direction, or seeming lack thereof.

Anyway, I guess I’ve stopped seeing a point of sitting in this slump. Yeah, I’ll be confident in my choices! Surely there must be an easy solution to my lack of life purpose. Shitty economies are no excuse! Here are three new life plans, but I’m probably going to combine 2 + 3.

1. Marry rich.

Unlikely, I just watched Millionaire Matchmaker and was disturbed with what I saw. Maybe you can see why.

 

 

 

 

2. Be a motherfuckin’ DISNEY PRINCESS IN TOKYO.

Out of the employment possibilities I’ve come up with, this one somehow seems to be the most plausible. Granted, I should maybe shave off 5-10 pounds and get whiter teeth, but otherwise I am confident I could pull off Alice, or probably Cinderella? There are auditions in LA coming up and if I were to be selected I’d have a 6-8 month contract at Dland Tokyo with free flight / apartment and some extra $$$ coming in. Not to mention, I actually looked it up and there is a bad improv scene in Tokyo run by American expatriates who want attention like I do and plus lots of weird video games like karaoke. Also I imagine the experience would be pretty much exactly like Lost in Translation which means I’d have an emotional affair with Bill Murray and then return to my life in America somewhat changed and I could tell people I “found myself” in Tokyo. FOOL PROOF.

3. Be a Second Grade Teacher!

After watching Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend, I learned a lot about love… how to love a delicious cheeseburger that is! We went to Umami Burger afterward which proved to be absolutely delicious. I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. I want to try their different kinds of burgers, especially the Truffle Burger!?!? The other thing was that Jennifer Garner was in that movie as a fifth grade teacher, and for some reason that image stuck in my head.

Next thing I know, I decided it would be a pretty smart idea to teach small children. I figured it’s still a similar concept to being a Disney Princess; interacting with small children while wearing pretty dresses.

Plus, I was having an existential crisis about life purpose and what it means to contribute to society and what pursuits are worthwhile versus which ones are self-indulgent, etc. etc. Ultimately it seems all life pursuits are self-indulgent to some extent, but I suppose my pretentious background still encourages me to “contribute” to society in some way. So again, I figured, educating stupider members of society like seven-year-olds is probably not a bad idea. Plus, how hard can it be!?

So I figured I’d get my teaching credentials and then get a job at a cute elementary school in a suburb of either Los Angeles or San Diego (warm and sunny but still cute and suburban) and get an apartment with my boyfriend (who will be in the film biz, which is something fun I can talk to with the parents of my pupils). We’d share our home with a beagle or some other kind of small / sweet dog and its name would be Milo or Reed. Something white and suburban that sounds like it could be the name of my baby, and then my eventual baby will either be Milo or Reed depending on which name we used up on the dog.

I would spend pretty much my entire income at Anthropologie, some of it on kitschy stuff for the apartment but most of it on expensive dresses that make me look like an elementary grade teacher ala the look Emma pulls off in Glee. The rest of my money would be spent on pot which I would smoke regularly.

During this phase of my life, I would write a book, probably something in the vein of David Sedaris meets The Lovely Bones. This book would then be published because one of my favorite student’s father’s brother is a literary agent. My novel would take off and send me launching into literary fame, thus ending my career as a second grade teacher. I would have to devote my time thereon out to writing more prose, thus resulting in my appearance on Oprah as the newest addition to her Book Club.

And then I would probably travel and stuff. I don’t know. I never got to retirement. So anyway. Most of these life plans and strategies are pretty much solid. I just need to pick one. You can vote.

A Single Man.

This isn’t so much a movie review, as it is a movie that made me think about shit. Normally, a long, slow, and stylistically pretentious movie would annoy me and send me walking out of the theater or at least wondering when it would be over. However, in this particular instance I was moved. Perhaps the change is just me? Maybe I am embracing my inner liberal arts degree. But this is unlikely because my own pretentious, self-aggrandizing view of life will hopefully remain a dark secret until I die.

This movie also made me want to be a professor. But then I realized that the truth was much more specific. I want to be gay Colin Firth giving poignant lectures that give the kid from About a Boy a boner.

Seriously though, I identified a lot with this movie in spite of my shortcomings (not being gay Colin Firth). I loved that the movie validated depression to an extent, or at least explored it in an honest way without commenting on it too much. I think as a society we try to erase it as quickly as possible. I feel like medications, in many cases (not all) are just a means of putting a blanket on the ugly part of life. Not that I want to be depressed or I want to wish that on anyone else. It isn’t healthy certainly to feel sorry for yourself and dwell in your misery. But I also feel like being sad is normal, but as a society we treat it as a mental condition that needs to be fixed. I don’t know if depression needs to be “fixed” (again, in most cases). I think what it needs to be is experienced and learned from. Not to sit in it, but to accept it more. Not medicate it, but try to grow from it and figure out what it’s telling us.

So I enjoyed (in a sympathetic way) watching Colin Firth and Julianne Moore struggle and cope with their lives. I’m probably much more like Julianne Moore — waiting for someone to save me (I’m trying to be there for myself more). Then again, I guess this is potentially okay since the alternative seems to be attempted suicide until someone “gets” you. And then you have a heart attack. (Spoiler…)

I also liked that the important things for these people were the human connections they made in their life. Lately I have felt like there is a de-emphasis on human relationships, or “real” ones. People have become relationship collectors… just trying to get to know people on a superficial level so they can have “contacts.” “Networking” is a term now, that sort of thing. I feel like the moments that really matter though are those that we share with people who evoke love, whatever that emotion might be. Sometimes it seems like love is uncool now. Hooking up is prevalent. Being guarded and alone is viewed as a “strength”. “Independence.”

Not to say that those aren’t good things. Despite how important it is to connect it also seems that to an extent we are all alone, or at least if we can’t be there for ourselves then it is unlikely anyone else can be. I suppose it’s about finding a balance. Learning to be there for yourself and finding inner peace but being willing to open up and accept people to come and go into your life.

I regret that this post wasn’t silly and is probably pretentious. I’m trying to write more and to think less. Hopefully (and more likely) no one reads this.