Honesty and Balance

For a blog that I intended to be filled with jokes and hilarious anecdotes, I am mostly just writing movie reviews and proposing some psychological quandaries. Both are usually feminist rants in disguise. It’s really disappointing for me. Not that I don’t love feminism. But did I lose my gift for dry humor? I can’t even muster a pun. The pictures are also becoming less and less, another disappointing fact considering I recognize how seeing things is much easier than reading them.

I’m taking this storytelling class still, and today was a day of honesty. I took full advantage of the opportunity, deciding to speak of perceived identities and my own defense mechanisms. Also I worry a lot.

I thought such exercises would be relieving. Because don’t people have an inherent need to be heard? It can’t just be me.

Instead, it wasn’t that relieving. It didn’t make me feel anxious, but it did make me feel weird and self-indulgent. I felt like, “I know I can say these things because the whole point is that other people think and feel these things too.” But then, I also felt like, how is this comedy? It felt more like an extra therapy session. All that growing as a person stuff.

Lately I feel like I am straying far from the path of jokes and hi jinks. I had thought that at least sarcasm was in my belt of tools. But it turns out when you talk about sarcasm openly and candidly it becomes much more difficult to utilize because it functions on insincerity and unsaid truths.

I have been a flood of honesty lately, even outside of class. Or at least, more than usual. Instead of making fun of myself and others I have been talking about TV shows. Instead of laughing at things that bother me I have been taking them seriously. For some reason in my attempt to reconcile with “things that happened” and “the person I am” I have been trying to address things straight on.

Similarly, in an attempt to find purpose I have been signing up for lots of classes and looking for jobs. The process has become more overwhelming than enlightening. I still have no purpose, but now I also seem to have responsibilities. Today I woke up at 11:45, ate breakfast, took a nap until 2:45, and then ate a burrito. My life purpose seems to resemble that of a bear anticipating the worst winter. Or in my case, work and classes and learning and coming to terms with my past and accepting who I am now.

Ultimately one of the things that I am learning is that I don’t really want to be me. Or maybe accepting who I am is also learning how to accept my inherent instinct to normally avoid this kind of helpful therapy. Up until recently I had been finding great ways to sweep my problems under the rug by distracting myself with new problems and to mask my feelings with untrue things. But now I am caught up in a wave of being honest and sincere, and to be honest it’s kind of driving me crazy.

I feel vulnerable in this whole process of opening up and dealing with shit and so of course it’s uncomfortable. And it’s also hard to switch off. And I do love sarcasm, even though I normally would never admit that I love sarcasm because it’s an unsarcastic thing to say that you love sarcasm. I just want that back, I think. I miss the banter and the feeling of control. Honesty, in theory, seems like a great way to take control of your life and feel empowered. In practice, it is the opposite.

The truth is I need to find a balance. Or maybe I just need to exercise and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Either way it sounds like just another challenge in a life full of growing up and learning to be a capable adult. It sucks. And I’m disappointed that instead of going through a rebellious teen phase of live rock concerts and drugs that I was just an accidental albeit awkward lesbian for a few years. I got nothing out of my system and instead I added more problems to my repertoire. Balance: it’s not lesbianism, but it’s something else. Walking the line between being a real person and a comedian. Figuring it out. Not taking things seriously, but then taking some things seriously because they are serious but learning how to laugh at most other things.

Either that or apparently ecstasy is great for this kind of stuff, for the low cost of one ice cream scoop of your brain!


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