Cosmo!

A friend told me recently that “Cosmopolitan” was originally supposed to be the female version of “Playboy,” so I guess it makes sense that most of the articles are focused on making you feel like a worthless, fat piece of shit. (Playboy essentially does the same thing for men. “Hey you fat fuck, you’ll never get this pussy. Why don’t you fuckin’ jack off to it in a sock?”)

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Hayden Panettiere   Cosmopolitan 'April 2008'cosmopolitan_subscription

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If you want to be the cover girl of Cosmpolitan, it is best if you know how to slyly position your hands near your crotch to entice consumers to enter, the magazine. But seriously, if in some backwards world I am ever invited to pose for this publication I am just going get to the point and grab my fucking dick.

Cosmo is marketed as, “the lifestylist for millions of fun fearless females who want to be the best they can be in every area of their lives.”

First of all, lifestylist isn’t a word. But I mean, fuck, women are retarded, who will notice? But really? Fun and fearless? If a woman is reading Cosmopolitan sincerely, then I can only imagine that she is scared shitless. Why else would she turn to a berating voice with absurd standards for advice on how she should compromise her values and feelings in the pursuit to attract men and attention?

Fuck this fucking shit. Seriously. I mean, I read it. It’s like a car wreck for me. I can’t help myself. It’s intriguing to watch a prominent portion of our society blatantly and unforgivably stereotype men and women into two distinct and unvarying categories of person. The advice in Cosmo never reads, “some men like this.” It is always, “hey, after you shed the pounds with our tips, here are great ways to give head so that you keep him around. OH! We almost forgot, even if you want to say these things and express yourself, DON’T! Guys don’t like it when girls say this and this and this.”

Well, that might be pessimistic. In the most recent edition, Cosmopolitan featured a positive article entitled SENTENCES HE’D BE PSYCHED TO HEAR. So, you know, at least they’re telling us what’s good to say. Here are the sentences Cosmopolitan suggests (I copied them down in a notebook because they are very helpful):

“Boy, nothing helps me wind down after a long day at work like giving you a blow job!”

“More of my home made jerky, darling?”

“Ooh, it makes me so hot when you explain the intricacies of baseball’s infield-fly rule.”

“It feels like you’ve put on a lot of weight… in your penis I mean.”

“Mind if my girl’s volleyball team showers at your place?”

“Other people may call it a porn addiction, but I call it being totally normal.”

“That pile of laundry isn’t going to do itself… which is why I’m gonna do it.”

“Who the hell is Robert Pattinson?”

“Here’s an issue of Cosmo — why don’t you look through it and mark everything you want us to try.”

I didn’t make these up. I’m not that good. They really speak for themselves, don’t they? I can’t wait to try them out on the guy I’m dating. He’ll be totally psyched. And now that I’ve learned how to successfully compromise my own identity with that of the ideal woman, our relationship will surely last a long time. Also our sex will be mind blowing! At last, I’ve finally learned how to please my man to keep him around.

But, honestly, I can’t believe that this shit exists in a world devoid of my sarcasm. I can’t believe I didn’t make up those quotes. And I really can’t believe they were written as legitimate examples of things men like to hear women say. I can’t believe people buy that “LA Candy” book that Lauren Conrad didn’t write. There is a market for this. Real women who see this as the best they can do, and the best other women could hope for. I can’t believe this is one of our best representations of how to be a fun fearless female.

The most recent edition of Cosmo also features a cover article titled THE SILENT CLUE MEN GIVE OFF WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE.

Yeah Cosmo, it’s called a boner. Fuck you.

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About jessicacabot

I'm a person and sometimes other things.

2 responses to “Cosmo!”

  1. alex pie says :

    This was awesome. I love it when you’re angry and sarcastic about things that people aren’t angry and sarcastic about enough. Definitely my favorite.

  2. abimorella says :

    This is absolutely great!
    everything you say, it’s so true. I can’t believe this pile of trash is still around and can’t believe a woman would read and do exactly as the magazine says, but unfortunately there are women like that; materialistic whores obsessed with their stupid image. Things like this should be banned. It brainwashes people’s minds.
    Thank you!!

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