A Feminist Post in Disguise

You know how some people are adamant about particular social, economic, or whatever political issues?

Like, you know how, when the conversation is about the best type of bread for a turkey sandwich, they are able to steer the conversation to the ethical connotations of mass produced quantities of unnatural substances in our corporate markets?

These people have something going for them. They care about something. In fact, they care about something so much, that they are sometimes able to see the “bigger picture.” These people can say, “Oh, sure, I was dumped by my boyfriend today and in a freak beached whale accident my nose was almost broken, but in the scheme of things these situations really aren’t as terrible as the fact that the distribution of wealth in our society is unparalleled in terms of astronomic gaps between poverty and affluence, thus causing unemployment rates to soar and millions of families to struggle daily while the rich keep getting richer…”

And so, it seems like caring about shit might actually be a good strategy. Instead of sleeping in until 1pm, or worrying about whether the three day old slice of pizza in the fridge is still okay to eat, maybe I’d actually do something productive like help people or something.

So here are my top seven causes to get excited about. I’ll probably get all activist about it as soon as I pick one. (I’m indecisive.)


1. Women’s clothing sizes.

Today I am wearing a size four pant. Tomorrow I might choose a different pair of size six pants. The next day, I will wear size 27. This shirt is “one size fits most.” Yesterday’s shirt was XS but tomorrow might be M. One store insists that I wear size ten dresses. Size ten! Am I fat? It’s hard to say given these inconsistent statistics.

And I want some goddamn consistency in my life. (I also want the clothes I wear to indicate that I am small). This is outrageous. Women deserve standards. We deserve pants that are always marked by a standard length, width, and cut. No more of this “trying stuff on” bullshit. I just want some legitimate facts about the purchase I am about to make. There. I said it. Because sometimes you buy the bra you think is your size and then you feel squeezed, and that’s no good.

2. Bad Rap

I don’t want to meet you at the hotel, hotel, Holiday Inn. Sorry. You weren’t the best I ever had, and I don’t need you to patronize me by telling me that we had good sex. You wanna be on me? Tough shit. You gotta earn it boy! You can’t just tell me you wanna be on me. I bet a lot of people wanna be on me. Ok? You know I want you? You only think I want you because I’m leading you on.

However, I will have birthday sex with you, because I’m worth it.

3. Puppies — (I still need one.)

bassett houndAfter becoming obsessed with the UCB short, The Hound, it occurred to me just how much I don’t actually own a dog. Aside from beagles, which are obviously great, it seems that Basset Hounds are also a great thing to get excited about.

However, I have begun to grow slightly concerned about this cause. Just the other day it occurred to me that there might be some “downsides” to owning a puppy. And no, I don’t mean howling. Instead it seems that animals are living creatures. Consequently, presuming I am not a soulless bitch (which I might be) then there is a great chance that I would become attached to said puppy. In forming an emotional bond with another thing, I think I risk the chance of rejection and grief. What if this dog decided to die one day? I think that’d be hard on me. And I don’t deserve that. I’m better than that. Unless I’m not a good person, in which case, I stand by my original argument.

4. Teleportation

Of all the causes I have proposed thus far and of all the ones I am about to, teleportation seems to be the most practical. God. You know where I would be if I could be anywhere in the world right now? I don’t know, maybe Disneyland. But proximity aside, there are a lot of other places I want to go too. Like, for example, I miss a lot of my friends in New York City. I don’t see them, ever, because I am poor and plane tickets cost money. Also, it’s quite the hike. Well, let’s assume that teleportation existed. Would I just casually stop by and hang out for a while and then go home? You betcha.

5. Raising Douchebag Awareness

Now, maybe I should clarify what I mean here. We all know douchebags exist. In fact, one of the few common things that all humans have in common is a steadfast belief in them. Why else would such popular websites such as hotchickswithdouchebags.com exist?

The issue here is raising douchebag awareness for douchebags. I think douchebags have no idea that they are douchebags. It’s sort of like how I have no idea that I’m pretentious. If you wear Ed Hardy, what are your intentions? Do you think that you will look “sick”? And then, how are you naive enough to have no idea that everyone else perceives your choices as being a huge dick move? I feel like there needs to be more education about the implications of certain actions and choices. So here is an open letter to douchebags:

Dear Douchebags,

When you wear stupid shit, you look like an asshole. Also, when you act like a dick, people think you’re an asshole. They don’t think you’re cool or strong or a badass. Again, they think you’re a fucking asshole. No, sorry douchebags, when you have fucking diamond earrings and treat people like they are items of your own recreation, then they hate you. They don’t respect you more. They make fun of you.

Best Regards,


6. Feminism

This one is a real issue, so I guess it’s the one I’ll end up picking. I read a survey, which was also a real one, and the question was, “Do you consider yourself a feminist?” I expected the result to be at least 50%. But it wasn’t. It was 46%. If I have learned anything from political elections I don’t really understand, it’s that even 1% can make all the difference. So feminists are 4% down of where I expected them to be, at the lowest.

I think that there are probably like, slightly more women than men in the world. Let’s say 51% of us are female. Ok, so let’s say 1% of females aren’t feminist. I guess that’s reasonable. But 5%??? This is the thing. If you are a woman and you aren’t a feminist, then I feel like you are basically admitting you have a low opinion of yourself. Feminism does not mean being a fat lesbian who hates men. Feminism doesn’t mean burning bras and wearing Birkenstocks. Feminism doesn’t mean being a huge bitch. Or abandoning the concept of family for corporate goals. All it means is a belief in equality, with a focus on the rights of women. How you interpret that, of course, could lead to wearing organic products.

It just baffles me though that people want to define it as something it isn’t. And it frustrates me more that women themselves would reject what should be their inherent feminist. I mean, no one really would claim that they don’t believe people of different races are equal. Even though there are assholes who probably are racist, their opinion is taboo. We are very politically sensitive to the equality of different ethnicities and cultures. So then why is it okay to be blatantly against the equality of women? In some ways it’s uncool to be a feminist because it has become misunderstood as being anti something (men), when really it is just pro-women. And equality. The negative connotations with feminism have suddenly become more important to observe than the cause itself. But why the fuck would you not be a feminist, especially if you are a woman? If you are a woman and claim not to be a feminist then it really says, “I don’t think much of myself or my position in life, and I don’t care if I’m treated equally by other human beings.” And I don’t want to think that of another woman. I want other women to continue to empower themselves and speak their minds. I want women to feel okay being “an angry feminist” because maybe they have something legitimate to be angry about. Maybe it’s important. I wish women didn’t feel compelled to compromise their beliefs and value of themselves for something as stupid as being perceived as “nice or quiet or good.” And a feminist can be a fucking stripper or cheerleader and still be a feminist. That’s not what I care about, I just want women to be their own advocates. Rawr!

7. Early Graduations — A mistake?

Well, so I guess I’m done with college. I guess I saved a lot of money. I guess I don’t have to learn anymore. But I have certainly written more serious things since graduating, which was never my intention. I just wanted to be silly and ridiculous. But instead it seems I have things to say. Maybe my move to leave college was preemptive. Like maybe I had more feminist manifestos in me that I needed to get out but didn’t get the chance. Well, I guess post-graduation you get blogs. And that is what this is.


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