So it turns out that when you go to a Starbucks that isn’t the Starbucks where the guy you’re in love with works, you start to notice other things. It’s weird.
I was seduced by the new fall menu, and so decided a pumpkin spice latte might be a good idea. I thought it might taste similar to a chai latte. It turns out I should have just ordered a chai latte. Because a pumpkin spice latte does not taste at all like chai. Instead it tastes like pumpkin spice. Upon my last sip of pumpkin spice latte it occurred to me that the whole thing might have been better if I had at least put sugar in it.
Starbucks, corporate machine that it is, has a new product designed to reinvigorate interest and value in the company. This latest scheme: instant coffee that tastes exactly like store brewed coffee.
An enthusiastic barista pitched this product to me and my friend. I thought that maybe this man would have been better off being a car salesman than a barista for eight years. He told us as much. It means he’s a “coffee master.”
His pitch went as follows, “This instant coffee tastes exactly like real coffee. Seriously! Don’t believe me? Come to the store this Friday for a free taste test. We’ve been testing this instant coffee around the country and so far not one person has been able to tell the difference. Our instant coffee is unlike any other instant coffee. We have been working for the past five years on a new technology to recreate the taste of brewed coffee…. the coffee bean is micro ground so that it literally dissolves into the water, and also adds essential oils and flavors that are usually missing in other instant coffees due to the grinding process…”
So I said, “I don’t think ‘food’ and ‘technology’ should be used in the same sentence.”
I am sure Jay Leno already said this joke, but it’s funny because it’s true. Claiming your instant coffee is as good as your brewed coffee is basically admitting defeat. It’s the exact same thing as saying, “Our brewed coffee is so fucking shitty that you won’t be able to tell at all when we make some even shittier version of coffee and try to sell it to you at 200% marked-up prices.”
Fuck you Starbucks. First you made me fat and now this!