Today I thought that it has been a significant amount of time since I have written anything significant. And by significant I mean satirical. And by satirical I mean retarded.
SO then, one thing lead to another, and I decided I would write about how the 90s were probably the worst decade ever. Everyone in the 90s was ugly (except me, I was really cute because I called my grandma, Cathy, “Taty” instead of “Grandma”). Also, on top of everyone being ugly, everyone had horrible fashion sense.
However, in doing my research on the horrible fashion of the 90s, I came across this site:
And then I realized that someone had essentially already written the exact same article I intended to (except with a positive spin). So then I thought, oh, fuck it.
So instead here are ten random thoughts that occurred to me today that have nothing to do with anything at all and will therefore never actually get me a book deal:
1. Old age officially begins at 21. Recently I have been about to say things to people, but then forgetting those thoughts immediately upon opening my mouth. Or, similarly, I will be about to google something stupid like, “best peanut butter in LA” and then I will forget what it was. Or, minutes after hearing the time of a scheduled meeting, I will forget if there was one 1 in the time or two. 11:30 or 1:30? Or was it 2:30?
2. Super randomly, I looked at that blog I just linked to about the 90s. And then, in randomly looking at this girl’s about page, I found out she went to Vassar (and wrote for Nylon). The real question is, who didn’t go to Vassar? Or, when the fuck did it become such a relevant school? I feel like everywhere I go, two members of a popular UCB harold team are Vassar grads. The question I am now asking is — when is it my turn? When do I get to write for Nylon and be on harold teams?!
3. Maybe it’s not a relevant college, but it’s just that something about that school makes people gay and interested in terrible fashion and being in awkward douchebag improv. And so maybe it’s not really so relevant to the world, but just relevant to the crap I spend my time googling. Anyway, I want it to be relevant, because I would like a purpose in my life, and I would like to think that lots of money and learning = life purpose.
4. So far, my purpose in life includes overthinking things and making blog posts about those things.
5. Vassar called me today to ask for money, but I beat them to the punch and I said, “this is phonathon, ISN’T IT? I don’t have any money!!!” And then they said, “Yeah, but we don’t want your money. We just want to confirm your information.” So then they told me my address and phone number to me. But, scarier, they knew my new e-mail address! How! I can’t recall ever specifically e-mailing them to let them know of the change. So it seems that Vassar is run by a team of conniving super sleuths. Maybe this is why their graduates go on to write blogs about the 90s and worser blogs about nothing. (These thoughts are unrelated.)
6. It occurred to me today that I might have a special skill at being awkward. But the trick of it is, I’m pretty sure I’m not always awkward. In fact, I think sometimes I might even seem cool. This might seem self-aggrandizing, but I am just acknowledging the finesse of human nature. Anyhow, I am 90% sure that there are some people who know me who must only know me as awkward. And then I think, that’s pretty weird. Does this make me like, sort of, like, a person who has two secret lives?
7. Or does this mean that I have an inconsistent personality? Do I seem crazy to people? Is this why people treat me condescendingly, like as if I were actually retarded? Does my awkwardness give off vibes of being too naive to understand “the way things are”? Do other people have these same identity crises? I feel most like myself when I am at my most dry and sardonic.
8. Anyway, I guess the most relevant point is… it’s weird that the way anyone perceives themselves is not necessarily the way others see them. But how could you ever actually know how other people perceive you? What if you think you are super friendly and charming but everyone else thinks you’re the biggest bitch in the world? I think I know people like this. And then I wonder, how can anyone ever actually know who they are in the context of the outside world? Shouldn’t they be allowed to know, since everyone has to interact with the outside world basically all the time? Does this even make sense to people who aren’t me? You see what I mean?
9. I have been reading way too much astrology lately. It’s sort of crossing that line from “bizarre interest” to “creepy spiritual belief.” I am trying to stop myself from letting it go to far. But sometimes that shit is just spot on. This is why I entertain it as much as I do: astrology is based on some real facts. Like, astronomy. Regardless of whether it means anything, it is an indisputable fact that when I was born, the stars and our planet were aligned in such a way that the position of the sun was “in” the constellation Cancer. Then, I like to believe that things are connected and happen for a reason. This too seems somewhat indisputable. We know that there are always causes and effects. We know that energy cannot be created or destroyed. We know that energy can be transformed into other different but similar forms of energy (friction becomes fire, or whatever). SO based on that, it doesn’t seem implausible that the alignment of the universe could affect the inherent “energy” of a person. I guess the real question here is not if astrology could be real, but if it is possible for humans to really interpret astrology. I guess I believe that as a “cancer” I am more apt to be a certain way than another, but then I wonder how humans could possibly really know what those traits are (except for coincidental observation). Even less likely — that humans can tell the future based on these alignments. At least with the star signs I guess it makes sense that you could be like, “well, most people in this sign are this way, so people with this sign are more likely to be this way.” Because there is at least consistency with past examples. But predicting the future with future examples? Less possible. So. There. Horoscopes are bunk but astrology on the whole isn’t necessarily.
10. There are no pictures in this post.