Somehow, my birthday didn’t really get celebrated by my family until this week, in September (a far cry from the end of June). As such, I found myself at Disneyland today for an especially special brunch at Club 33.
An important quirk to my identity: one of my sort-of-secret ambitions is to work as a Disney princess at Disneyland. However, I think the position requires a cheery disposition and pleasant attitude. Because I am grumpy and disgruntled, it seems I am mostly unqualified for the job.
My little sister and I got to meet the princesses today. I wanted to ask, “Hey, how did you get this gig?” but I knew that because they are good at what they do they would respond, “Oh! I was born a princess!”
Anyway, here’s something I wrote a while ago about this dream job of mine. And then, coming soon: exclusive photos from the inside of Club 33.
Though I have had some minor successes in the film industry, the industry I had always intended as my place of future employment; I have discovered a new path.
Indeed, although I am close personal friends with such well paid actresses as Ashley Tisdale, and hang out with “People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman of the Year 2002”, Natalie Portman, I have decided, nay, discovered that I have a higher calling.
I am not meant to be the world’s greatest writer ever, though I am that too. However, I will keep my talents to myself, as the world would be unappreciative of my prose.
Similarly, I will not be a beloved television and film star. I have found that the work is much too tiresome. Why force me, a talented and lovely individual, to sit around on sets for hours and hours and days and days when I should be using my body and brain for more pertinent pursuits like long luxurious vacations. I say this because only someone of my caliber truly has the tenacity and grace to enjoy luxurious vacations as they were meant to be. Someone else, a commoner, would flounder the opportunity by daydreaming about being on movie sets. Only I would be cognizant of the fact that the best place in the world is on the beach, lying on a $10,000 towel made of silk and platinum, sitting in such a way that every man in the world would know what he wants: me. But they can’t have me. Only my husbands Michael Ian Black and James Franco (who are not gay despite the rumors) would have access to the most perfect woman in the world (still me).
The world is undeserving of my genius.
Some have asked me, “Well, Jessica Cabot, if you are not going to grace the world with your superior texts or perfect comedic timing, what is your higher calling? Are you going to get a masters degree?”
No, I’m not. Because you don’t need a master’s degree to be a Disney princess.
I am pretty sure that being a Disney princess at Disneyland (maybe specifically Cinderella) is the most perfect career choice ever. I was a fool for not having realized this destiny earlier, but luckily, upon graduation, I will be the fairest (and sexiest) of them all. Little girls will want to be me. Little boys and creepy old men will want to do it with me. But also, regular creepy men will want to do it with me and some teenagers will also want to be/do me. I will be the envy of everyone. But unlike celebrities, I will not have to work long, gross hours on boring movie sets where stupid interns can’t even get me the organic milk suds like I asked for. Instead, I will sit on pretty parade floats, waving graciously to my fans. Afterward, I will sit in my trailer drinking only the best water (Fiji and Evian exclusively) and asking my servants (the gay dudes who dance in the parades) to fetch me my celery sticks and dark chocolate.
Not only this, but I will sign more autographs than I would as a famous celebrity or author because the common folk will feel comfortable in my sweet, caring, yet still more-important-than-they-are presence. In this way I will ensure that my signature is passed down several generations for years to come. I’ll get my name out into the world, even though my name will be Cinderella. But that’s okay. What’s in a (given) name? The important thing is that I write and sign a lot of books so that people remember the day they met me (Cinderella).
Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but people would think I was hot because I’d be wearing a pretty dress and lots of makeup and also my job wouldn’t be that hard because all I would have to do, really, is sign books and wave at people. Maybe dance every once in a while, but it would always be a light waltz that is not too demanding or sweat inducing.
Indeed, being a Disney princess would be the perfect career. People would appreciate me and definitely never take me for granted, which is likely to happen with celebrities (of which I could easily be one, but I have just made the smart choice not to). I’ve certainly never heard of someone judge improperly or take for granted a Disney princess.
For example, “I saw Jessica Alba today at Urth Caffe!”
“Her? She’s not a very good actress is she? She’s not that hot.”
Even though the statement above in regards to Jessica Alba might be false (all celebrities are very talented and very hot) the fact remains that people are apt to be critical and judgmental in a petty attempt to discredit the rich and the beautiful.
However, let’s change that above scenario a little.
“I saw Cinderella today at Urth Caffe!”
“Cinderella? No way! I love her!”
Cinderella, like Jessica Alba, is both talented and beautiful. However, unlike Jessica Alba, Cinderella’s beauty and great talents are appreciated by all and never undermined.
See how choosing to be a Disney princess as opposed to a famous celebrity is a good career move? All the perks of celebrity with none of the hateful (yet incorrect) comments or hard labor.
This epiphany also proves why I am not only the greatest writer ever and most perfect woman, but also the smartest person ever conceived in the history of all humans ever.
I’ll see you at Disneyland.*
*if being a Disney princess doesn’t work out I’m going to be a skin model, for similar reasons.