I don’t want a dog — I NEED a dog.

A famed hypothetical question is this: would you rather be deaf or blind?

People hum and haw over this one quite a bit. It seems there is no obvious preference. Certainly, no one would choose blindness or deafness in any circumstance. But if it had to be one or the other?

Arguments for preferring blindness usually include: a passionate love for music, the essential need for communication, the loneliness of silence, and maybe like, a newfound appreciation for inherent qualities over looks.

However, anyone who really thinks they are so passionate about music is untrustworthy. The question, in fact, should not even be posed as a question. The truth is (basically) everyone would rather have the ability to see than to hear.

Picture 1

This home in the Hollywood Hills is on the market for $2,500,000 dollars. In any other neighborhood, this same house would cost, let’s say, $1,250,000. So why pay the extra cash? Not for the benefit of driving up precarious, windy roads. Rather, for the view. Aesthetically, the view is one of the best available in Los Angeles. It’s worth more than a million dollars. And it’s a completely visual sensation.

Here is a better argument:











Who would you rather fuck? Do you see what I mean?

Sight is unquestionably more important than sound. We have created implements to stop noise (earplugs) and others to promote sight (flashlight).

This is why art is possibly underrated. Musicians are always more famous than artists, but maybe we were wrong on that one…

Argument #1 for why not to get a beagle: they howl.

And here is my counter argument:



The pros, thus, obviously outweigh the cons.

Other benefits of being a dog owner:

1. As a friend astutely pointed out recently, “dogs are a lot like babies, if you think about it.”

This is true. Babies require responsibility, hard work, and attention. And they drool and pee everywhere. However, they also are a great way to meet people, and an instant conversation starter. They are also cute. The same is true of dogs. The main difference between dogs and babies is that dogs never grow up to be people. And in the end, this is an obvious advantage of owning a dog over a baby.

2. Dogs run.

Dogs run around a lot. They require movement daily. A surprising and well-hidden fact: humans also need movement daily. Apparently when humans move around this contributes to a long life, and also reduces signs of depression. However, humans (or, myself, at least) are unlikely to do this. Having a dog would solve this problem by making the human feel obligated and mandated to go take said dog on walks so the dog could get its share of movement. In doing so, the human would also get some exercise, and possibly lose weight, and then maybe even get a love life or something.

3. Dogs are loyal.

Unlike people, dogs are not huge bitches. And, excuse the pun, but bitches are never bitches either. Dogs are friendly and well-intentioned. Unlike people, dogs never point out your flaws. Unlike people, dogs can’t get away from you. They are essentially your friend-slave. They have to like you and hang out with you. That’s just their social status. Who doesn’t want companionship? I’m not advocating that anyone become one of those crazies who dresses their dog in outfits and treats it like an actual replacement for a person. However, while one is just waiting around for some quality human beings to enter their life… why not get a dog in the meantime? This leads me to my next point.

4. As previously mentioned, dogs are a good conversation starter.

I already equated dogs as being similar to babies, but I must elaborate on the fact that they are great conversation starters. Meeting people can be hard, especially when most of the people you meet are douchebags and bitches. Thus, in order to find quality friendships, you sometimes have to meet hundreds of people before finding a good one. How does one go about meeting hundreds of people though? Owning a dog. If you own a dog, people are bound to start conversations with you and talk about the dog. And who knows, maybe this conversation will lead to talking about something else — and then more.

5. Famous dogs:

BluesClues chairPlutoCartoon1pongo



6 thoughts on “I don’t want a dog — I NEED a dog.

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