I recently had what I thought was a decent title for a screenplay. “Floundering.” And then I thought, I love John Cusack. He can be in it. And then we’ll banter and joke on set and talk about what a genius I am and how endearing he was in the 80s.

Apparently my idea was too good though and so it was already made in 1994. I have not seen or really even heard of this movie.

The synopsis: John Boyz  is an aimless sad sack who is wandering Los Angeles in the wake of the 1992 riots. John is in an unclear state of mind; he can’t find a job (and doesn’t really want one), the IRS has confiscated his money, his girlfriend Jessica is sleeping around, he can’t figure out what the beautiful but mysterious Elle wants from him, his drug-addicted brother Jimmy needs 3,000 dollars for a detox program, and police chief Merryl Fence is encouraging the citizens of L.A. to kill themselves.

This is basically exactly what my life is today, except my boyfriend who is sleeping around is named John Boyz. I’m still Jessica, an aimless sad sack. And I don’t know how to get the money for Jimmy. I’ll figure it out, eventually.

But not really. I’m pretty sure I know what Elle wants from me. And let’s say I want the same things…

My remake will include:

  • trying to find God, but realizing it’s awkward
  • being hit on by old dudes who ask how old my friend and I are, then drunkenly telling us, “it was a comment,” when they really mean to say “complement”
  • being pressured into buying a flavor of frozen yogurt that I didn’t want in the first place by a bunch of chatty food service employees
  • going to starbucks only to discover that everyone there is sweeping the floor
  • babysitting sometimes and wishing it were a full time job
  • reading astrological books only to learn that I am apparently miserable and annoying because I was born in late June
  • craving thai food constantly
  • writing in a blog, hoping for a book deal, but knowing there is no book deal, ever.

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