Call Me Or I’ll Kill You And Your Family In Your Sleep Maybe
In which I analyze the subtext of the pop song Call Me Maybe:
I threw a body in the well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell
And now you’re in my way
(You’re next)
I trade my soul for a wish
(I have Satan on speed dial)
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
(He’s cheap)
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way
(Guess I have to kill you)
Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(That’s where I’m going to make the first incision)
Hot night, wind was blowing
(Setting your house on fire was a lot easier than I thought)
Where you think you’re going baby?
Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(You sure you don’t hear that Gregorian chanting?)
But here’s my number
(It’s Inmate 999248284)
so call me maybe
(Or I’ll rip your throat out)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number
(You can just use those phones separated by glass.)
so call me maybe
(Don’t text, we don’t get cell service cuz of the padding.)
Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(And by maybe I mean I’ll kill you if you don’t)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(There’s a warrant out for my arrest)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(You heard me)
You took your time with the call
(Fuck you)
I took no time with the fall
(Third failed suicide attempt)
You gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way
(I know where you live)
I beg and borrow and steal
(Literally)
At first sight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it, but it’s in my way
(Choking your brother was easy cause his neck was so soft)
Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
(I just sent wolves after you.)
Hot night, wind was blowing.
(Seriously surprised at how fast fire spreads.)
Where you think you’re going, baby?
(There’s no escape)
Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(I bought a gun to protect myself!)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(We’ve been over this)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(Because your imminent death pains me)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(While you still have the chance.)
Hey, I just met you, and I’m crazy
(Most of the time I think I’m a wolf trapped in a girl’s body)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If I’m not at the psych ward try looking me up at the prison)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(I think maybe I killed their mothers)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Or yeah, I’ll kill you and your family in your sleep)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Part of my psychological disorder – I miss non-existent entities)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
(Yeah I have a lot of problems)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(I cut myself)
And you should know that… I missed you so, so bad
(So now I have to take it out on you)
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
(You’re standing in the sun and I can’t come in direct contact with daylight)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(Jesus this song is repetitive, sorry, again, part of my condition. I have tourettes too)
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
(You haven’t seen the half of how crazy it is)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(It’s your only chance to save you and your family)
And all the other boys, try to chase me
(Most of them are cops and SWAT team members)
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
(If you don’t have a cell phone let’s chat telepathically maybe)
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(Unless I missed my father? I can’t remember, I also have amnesia)
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
(So romantic, right?)
And you should know that
So call me maybe
(Did I already say if you don’t I’ll kill you and your entire family in your sleep?)
In Which I Unleash All Of My Anger And Aggression On The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
(Just look at these smug asswipes. OH MY GOD YOU’RE DRIVING IN A TUNNEL WITHOUT ADHERING TO SAFETY PRECAUTIONS YOU MUST BE SO FREE AND LIBERATED FROM SOCIETAL CONSTRAINTS YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.)
I presume no one saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I further speculate that no one in their right mind gives half as much of a shit about it as much as I really fucking hate it and can’t stand it.
I read the book in high school because I HEARD IT WAS GOOD and ALSO SURPRISING FACT I WAS SOMETHING OF A WALLFLOWER MYSELF GROWING UP AND SO ONE MIGHT HAVE ASSUMED THAT IT WAS RELATABLE MATERIAL. I didn’t remember anything about the book after I had read it except that a) I actually tortured myself by reading the whole thing and b) I hated it. I remembered hating it because the main character in the book sounded like he has aspergers, a mental affliction which I have callously and shamelessly admitted I can’t stand.
I saw the movie and was quickly reminded, visually this time, about why I fucking hate this crap and I now hold the opinion that Stephen Chbosky must be some sort of self-aggrandizing child porn collector. OH BY THE WAY “CHBOSKY” WHAT ARE YOU TOO COOL CAN YOU NOT AFFORD TO BUY A FUCKING VOWEL GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.
Here is a functional list of things I really fucking hate about this movie/book/abomination against all that is sacred:
1) dear friend? Who the fuck is this “friend”? WHO STILL FUCKING WRITES LETTERS? That’s super creepy psychopath behavior, trust me. In fact, I’m lead to believe that this main character is suffering from a major case of schizophrenic delusion and writing these things to no one because who could he be writing these letters to that would even give a shit about this kid’s mopey sensitive “I don’t fit in life is so oppressive you just don’t understand” diatribe. Guess what jerkoff, no one fit in during high school so WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET HIGH AND PLAY STAR WARS VIDEO GAMES LIKE THE REST OF US??? JESUS.
2) The main gay character is like, so annoying. Kudos to you, sir, for accepting your sexuality in the face of high school discrimination at such a young age. I’m glad those “It Gets Better” videos are doing something for you. BUT OH MY GOD YOU AREN’T LIKE SOME HOLY SAVIOR WHO WAS SENT FROM ABOVE TO TEACH US ALL A LESSON ABOUT LIVING FREELY. This character called his woodshop teacher a fascist! Is that what kids are still calling that? Woodshop? I didn’t have woodshop workshop clockshop, but nonetheless DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT FASCISM MEANS?! Yeah, maybe your teacher is a fucking dick and maybe he gives you bullshit assignments that you hate and aren’t good at but that doesn’t make him a dictator who is trying to oppress your precious sense of individuality, it just makes him some dude who never left his hometown and hates his life because he has to deal with obnoxious narcissistic kids like you on a daily basis.
3) THE REFERENCES! OH GOD THE REFERENCES! Kill me now. OH MY GOD THE SMITHS ARE MY FAVORITE BAND AND I’M 16 AND I AM SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM THE FIRST 16 YEAR OLD TO FIGURE OUT THAT MORRISSEY IS TOTALLY AWESOME. “Oh my god! They’re playing like, actually good music!” they squeal with delight as “Take On Me” plays for the bazillionth time in a high school auditorium. I think the book is supposed to take place in the late 90s but WHATEVER STILL because the 80s weren’t that long ago! Great, you figured out how to recycle old pop music and reclaim it as “cool” because you weren’t even a fetus when it was made, so you could really have no concept of exactly how mainstream all this bullshit you think is so “indie”. YOUR UNIQUE PERSONA CRAFTED FROM WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY JUST GOOD MUSIC THAT EVERYONE WHO LISTENS TO MUSIC HAS HEARD IS HACKNEYED CLICHED BULLSHIT. I am basically just trying to say that kids in high school aren’t special.
3b) like Rocky Horror Picture Show! Stephen Chbosky was like “Hey, I know what high schoolers like, they like feeling original!” “Hm, I’m a weird man in his 30s who isn’t a good writer but who knows how to use cliches and tired coming of age tropes to my advantage! I know! Let me just write a shittier version of Catcher In The Rye and punch it up with fun modern references of originality!” “Google search: What are all the cool unique kids into these days!?” “Google: Uhh… mostly they’re just the same old shitty things like that have sentimental motifs like mix tapes and playing truth or dare. Also yeah, The Smiths, The Smiths speak to them.”
4) Oh, right, the main kid is terrible. In general, I am so tired of young sensitive pussy assholes being portrayed as these tortured romantic souls who are just pining hopelessly after that manic pixie dream girl. OH MY GOD IF ONLY SHE STOPPED DATING ASSHOLES! I am so tortured! Why doesn’t she just like me because I’d love her and NOT treat her like crap UGH I’M JUST SUCH A NICE GUY! I’m 14! OH GOD SHE IS SO DUMB BECAUSE SHE DATES GUYS WHO TREATS HER LIKE SHIT AND DOESN’T NOTICE ME! Yes, this is the plight of women. Women obviously hate themselves because they date the wrong guys and ignore sensitive ones! But maybe these sensitive guys should start checking themselves and their aspergers and grow some fucking balls and stop pining and start doing shit. And maybe she’s dating those asshole guys because they have some sense of confidence, and whatever, confidence is hot. Get some confidence and an Ed Hardy shirt for fucksake and stop wearing that gay-ass suit. No one gives a shit that “all writers wore suits” you look like a fucking jackass. Besides, sensitive brooding dudes always bail as soon as things get too real because they’re all into hating themselves and ruining good things they could have because being ~*tortured*~ is their MO. They ain’t no heros. Therefore — tired of this movie trope. Yeah, I’m looking at you too Zach Braff.
5) I think that’s it. Even if there was more I think that was as much anger as I had in the tank. Fuck this movie up the ass.
6) Afterthought: I think it’s revealed at the very end that the main character was molested by his Aunt. I think that’s just creepy and sort of a weird addendum to this “coming of age” story. “Ugh high school is the worst I am so unpopular and awkward! also I was molested by my Aunt.” HELLO. ISN’T THAT LIKE THE ENTIRE STORY THEN? So if Stephen Chbosky would like any of my constructive criticism on his bestselling book/movie I’d like to offer that there should either be more Aunt molesting or no Aunt molesting, the current amount of Aunt molesting was weird and begged for further questions.
Ringo’s Diary
Hey guys, this is kind of weird but I was shopping in Silverlake at this supremely chill record store because I decided I’m only going to listen to stuff on vinyl now (seriously, it just sounds better) and came across a small leather bound book. I checked it out. It was Ringo Starr’s diary from his days in The Beatles. Very obscure. There must only be like, 5 copies of it max in the entire United States. Maybe a couple more in Liverpool I’m guessing, I’m gonna have to look into that.
Anyway, I didn’t want to be an asshole and keep this amazing find all to myself, so I transcribed a couple choice entries which I decided I’d share with you here…
August 18, 1968
I’ve just about had it with Paul. If we have to play one more song that’s about him I might just really quit this time. All of his songs are about himself! It’s just selfish. And now he’s gone and done it again. He’s been talking for weeks about how he wants to fuck Linda on the side of the road after he saw some monkeys doing it on the road. He’s so pretentious. We get it Paul, you connected with India and now you read meaning into everything because you’re sooo spiritual. Ugh, the worst! Maybe monkeys fucking on the side of the road are just about monkeys fucking on the side of the road, why does he have to make everything about himself??? I just can’t even understand it anymore. He made monkeys fucking on the side of the road about him fucking Linda on the side of the road and now he wrote a fucking song about it. You know what, I hope they do fuck on the side of the road and then get run over by a bloody car.
September 10, 1968
Had a weird dream last night that I can’t really tell anyone about, so I will tell you, diary. Paul and I were in the recording studio… well, it didn’t look at all like the recording studio but for some reason I knew that was where we were. At first it was pretty normal, just a couple of the usual recurring acid flashbacks… that one goofy talking elephant was there. Boy is he a hoot. But then after he left Paul looked me in the eyes, caressed my face and said, “everything is going to be alright, Ringo.” and then he kissed me. His lips were really soft, but I woke up feeling kind of weird about it. No idea what it could mean.
October 1, 1968
I’ve really just had it with this White Album. It’s total bullshit. Revolution 9 is just the worst. I sort of get the feeling they just deliberately wrote it so there’d be a song that didn’t require any drums. It’s not even a song. It’s just noise. I told them it wasn’t a good idea. Did they care? No, of course not. I started to think afterward maybe I should have told them that I loved the idea of it, maybe then they would have not put the song on the album just to spite me. At least then I wouldn’t have to be associated with a band that put that crap out in the world. They think they’re so edgy and innovative. I just want to play the drums, when did it stop being about the music???
October 31, 1968
The boys are going to Elton John’s Halloween party. They think I should come as “The Walrus”. I personally wanted to go as a train conductor. None of them ever care about what I want to do. They don’t even treat me like a person, I’m just their novelty accessory. John is going to go as Jesus. He’s such an asshole. Seriously thinking about just staying in and watching the telly. I’d watch a horror movie but those scare me.
January 18, 1969
Sad today. Oh well.
April 15, 1969
I just had the best idea for a song ever. The boys really better let me do it. I never get to write any of the songs! Come on, just this one, please! It’s a beautiful song about octopuses. I think octopuses are the best. I was on Peter Seller’s boat not too long ago and I remember I ordered the fish and chips. Well, they gave me squid instead. It was okay though, rubbery but tastes like chicken. Then the boat captain told me all about octopuses. He said that they travel along the sea bed picking up stones and shiny objects with which to build gardens. I’d like to be under the sea in an octopuses garden! I think if they let me do it it’ll turn out really great, maybe it’ll even be remembered as the best Beatles song ever! Boy I hope so. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think maybe I could even sing on this one. I’ve been singing a little in the shower lately. I don’t want to tell anyone in case they make fun of me, but my voice isn’t bad… definitely better than John’s. Oh well, I’m pretty excited about this song about octopuses anyway. I hope it works out.
This Seal
I want to write a live multi-cam sitcom called “This Seal” and the premise is that a seal lives with a family and wreaks havoc and instigates hilarious mishaps and misunderstandings and the catch phrase for everyone is “This Seal!”
“Can you believe This Seal?”
“I mean seriously, This Seal.”
“This Seal, amirite?”
“Who does This Seal think he is!?”
“So I was walking down the street and I run into This Seal, right…”
“He’s just This Seal I’m seeing.”
“That’s so This Seal.”
“Check out the tits on This Seal…”
“Oh, just This Seal.”
“Don’t pull a This Seal!”
“This Seal over here thinks he’s a real charmer.”
“Hey, has anyone else heard about This Seal?”
“Well I tell ya, This Seal!”
THIS SEAL – COMING THIS SEALTEMBER
A Director Fires A Cat
Whiskers… Do you mind if I call you Whiskers? Okay, great. Look, Whiskers, we really appreciate the work you’ve done for us, but unfortunately I just don’t think it’s working out.
Honestly? “A Person Lives In Their Apartment” is not about you. It’s just not. You have a supporting role.
Whiskers, it doesn’t matter that you think the material is stale. It really doesn’t matter that you think your character should eat at 9am instead of 11:30am. It’s written in the script that “A Person”, our main character, is hungover and will be sleeping in late since it’s Saturday morning.
Alright, I might be willing to give you one more chance, but that means when A Person is lying on the bed moaning you cannot jump into frame and start walking all over them. The scene isn’t about you. It’s written here clearly that you’re supposed to be curled up in a ball sleeping too!
No, your character is important. By sleeping in a little ball in the corner of the bed you’re emphasizing our main character’s strife and sleeping habits. Your character is a reflection upon the main action.
You know what, honestly, fuck you. Forget it. I’m not giving you a second chance. We’ve had literally no problems this entire time on set with Dog. Dog is sleeping next to A Person as we speak. Rarely ever barks. Do you know how many times I’ve heard you meowing and whining on set? Honestly, your constant bitching has just become a droning background noise that a lot of us on set have come to accept. “Meoooow!” “Meooow!” “Meeooow!” We get it! You think this should be “The Cat Show”. Well it’s not, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe go outdoors if you want more creative control in this.
Not to mention you’ve been destroying property on set for literally no reason. That house plant? Completely thrashed. A minor C story of our plot was watching A Person struggle to keep that house plant alive, and in the third act she notices that she’s kept it alive for over a year in spite of her forgetfulness. But here you come along and now that scene was cut out. They threw the plant away. Are you happy?
I don’t know what your deal is, Whiskers, but I just don’t think this is working out.
Yeah, maybe we do have different creative visions, but that’s the business. I’m sorry. You’re fired. We’re re-writing the show without your character.
Fine, see you in court.
A Glimpse Into My Google Search History
Alternate Title: A Glimpse Into What Is Wrong With Me
1. Coffin Prices
Coffins, so you know, are going for about $995.00 these days.
2. Dead Cats
I don’t know what I was expecting. There were lots of pictures of dead cats, and it was horrifying and gruesome. I literally gagged. I’m mad at myself for this one.
3. What is chik-fil-A Sauce?
Chik-fil-A sauce is mostly a yellow honey BBQ sauce. My friend accurately put it best when she guessed that it was “all the sauces mixed together.”
4. What are cats saying when they meow?
It really depends on the length and tone of the meow. I learned that my cat is primarily agitated and annoyed at me.
5. Elliptical Machines
I spent a lot of time googling this, which isn’t fascinating, but there is one that is small and goes for $100. I’m still thinking about starting to seriously exercise sometime soon.
6. Hot Men Holding Pizza
A disturbing lack of results for this yielded the follow-up search “Ewan McGregor Pizza” which did not meet the pizza requirements but satisfied other areas of interest.
7. Severed Head Hollywood
They still haven’t revealed the identity officially, but we know they did find the hands and feet and the dude was suspected to be a Mexican airline employee aged 66.
8. Why do men grow beards after being rejected?
Apparently this isn’t actually a thing, it’s just a trope in TV shows and in my life.
9. Chipotle Nutrition Calculator
My burrito bowl has 700 calories but a shit load of salt.
10. Urantia Book
I visited the set of a TV show because I’m a cool asshole who gets to do shit like that sometimes and one of the crew members spoke in great length about this book, which seems to be some variation on Scientology because it has aliens. I was buying into it when he was talking about “multiple dimensions” but then he lost me when he started talking about the alien’s governmental system.
11. Apocalypse Dreams
Had another dream about the apocalypse. “To dream of apocalypse means loss of control, destruction, especially from external circumstances. It could represent a fear of these things, or of some past, current, expected, or feared situation in your life involving chaos and loss of control.” Probably doesn’t mean anything.
12. Kyoto Tachibana High School Band
Adorable, adorable, amazing, please watch this:
13. How to entertain a dog / am I psychologically scarring my cat by having a dog in the house
I babysat my friend’s dog a while ago and tried to entertain her. Primarily we went for walks and avoided my cat.
14. Ennui
Ugh, yeah, I fucking googled this.
15. Lindsay Lohan Playboy
; )
16. Jessica Cabot
I have accounts on twitter, wordpress, linkedin, and tumblr!
17. Would it be weird if I wore dude underwear?
Seems like, not really.
18. P.J. Budders
Just as I suspected!
19. Drag King Tips
For a hot second I wanted to be a Drag King that primarily covered Tom Jones songs. Mostly you need to strap down your boobs and have confidence.
20. Good Looking Fajitas Guacamole
Seemed to have a little trouble with this one:
Realistically, there is a lot that I am not admitting I googled.
